Transcript  

All Gifts  - 4 Steps to Process Change and Transformation

SPEAKERS

Pandora Villasenor

Pandora Villasenor  00:18

You are listening to the All Gifts podcast where we unwrapped some of life's most challenging and painful topics to help you find the hidden gifts within. Here's your host and MBA, entrepreneur, author and coach, Pandora Villasenor. Today on the All Gifts podcast, I'm talking about the gift of change. How does that sound to you? Does change come as a gift for you? Are you the type of person that gets a twitch in your eye? Or do you get a little bit of excitement in your blood when you hear the word change? The ancient Greek philosopher Heraclitus said, the only constant in life is change. Sometimes we choose change, but more often, change happens to us. And usually, it's unexpected. So it's pretty scary. We aren't sure what the change will lead to, not sure who or what will be on the other side. It can even be pretty painful. Like you, at this age, I'm almost 46 years old, I've gone through some significant changes in life. When I was younger, I became a teen mom. Soon after that, I left home and I went to college. And that was a huge change. Later, I got married, I got divorced. For years, I was a single mom. And then 10 years ago, I got married again. I've moved across the country twice. And I've shifted my career at least three times. And as of just the last couple of years, I have fully launched two of my children, my only children off into adulthood. These changes have all been both scary and painful at times. But over the years going through those changes, I've learned that change can bring some unexpected gifts. And so now I'm a little more comfortable with change, and even sometimes a little excited. I believe that this year, the year 2020. We're recording this podcast in September 2020. I believe this year more than ever has important lessons for us about the gift of change, if we choose to see it that way. So two of my biggest lessons this year about change has been, I should say kind of takeaways. Number one, control is an illusion. And I'm going to get into this a little bit more today. And to adaptation is powerful. So here we are. It's September 2020. By the time this launches, it'll probably be October. And can you guys vibe with me on this? Control is an illusion. Am I right, let's talk about that. The events of 2020 have brought many changes to our lives. Okay, that's an understatement. Everything has been disrupted, from our daily routines to the way we work to the way we play and how we interact with people. If any time ever since I've been alive 2020 has shattered any illusion any of us had that we were in control. The coronavirus pandemic changed our entire way of life. Racism still pulsates in America's DNA. And as I write this, wildfires are consuming the west coast from Oregon and Washington down the coast of California and across to Colorado. It's crazy. And people are responding and reacting to all of this and sometimes really surprising, even shocking ways. People are pulling apart, people you would never think are pulling apart and then people you never expected are coming together. We can't control these events. We're getting that right. Do you feel it? And we really can't control how people respond. We can't control the pandemic any more than we can control the amount of ash or smoke worse, we're sort of breathing in the air right now. So it seems you know, like this is something that we should all sort of get right now. But I think we're still resistant to it. We're still resistant to this idea that, that we don't have any control. And I'm going to tell you more. Okay, so before you guys like run away. There's good news in this. Okay, I promise. But again, we can't control how people are responding. I mean, let me tell you, I feel like it's a no brainer that everybody should band together to overhaul a system where a disproportionate amount of black people are murdered by an establishment that's supposed to serve and protect everybody. Yet there's a disturbing amount of people that don't get it and are even opposed.  So none of it makes really any sense. I mean, just because I feel strongly about something doesn't mean that somebody else is going to. So, if that wasn't enough, then there's like the really tragic deaths of 2020. People like Kobe Bryant and his daughter, Gianna, Chadwick Boseman, who just died a few weeks ago. I mean, you look at these young lives, these young, powerful, vibrant lives, and you can't help but to take away from that. Wow, I really have no control over my life. I don't know how long I have. People are reflecting on that. People are seeing how short and fleeting everything is, how meaningless some things are. Okay, so all of this loss of control can make anyone feel anxious, depressed, angry, sad. However, for some of this, it is a catalyst. What's the difference? Why are some people ever able to see all of that pain, fill all that pain and yet still be moved to change, transform and grow because of change? Well, that's what I want to talk about today. Some of us are propelled to move forward, take new risks in areas where we were afraid to venture before, if that's who you are, or that's who you want to be. Keep listening. Because this episode is for you. Whichever camp you fall into, we'd all do well to bring ourselves back to the important truth this year is trying to teach us control is an illusion. Just as we can't control natural disasters, or the people in our lives, we can't control the outcome of our activities. Okay, so this is a big one, especially for my perfectionist out there. And yes, my name is Pandora and I am a recovering perfectionist. We should dream, we should do hard work. But we must remember that the results are largely out of our control. This is good news. Okay, because once we give up the illusion of control, we can release the burden of the outcome. And let our perfectionism go, we can actually just start doing stuff. This brings me to my second point, adaptation to change is power. Instead of resisting change, we can adapt. We can grow, we can transform, we can use it as this catalyst, change, let's face it, whether it's death or loss of a person, a breakup, an idea or a construct, any of that brings grief. If we allow it, though, our grief can transform into gifts, it can bring.  Okay, here's a gift, it can bring our priorities into focus. When we bring our priorities into focus, we can more easily recognize our true loved ones, maybe even truly recognize ourselves and really love ourselves, we start to see our true supportive systems structures, I mean, social systems, I meant to say, and then we can let go of the rest. You know, like, if people really weren't for us kind of part time haters, we can let them go. Just really focus on the people that are important to us, and do the things that are really important to us. And that gives us life. When we aren't married to the outcome, another great gift is our creativity can blossom, right? Like if you're not a perfectionist anymore, and you just decide to release control and just let yourself do something, you can tweak it along the way you can iterate on the idea, you can start something new without having to figure everything out. So how do you get there? How can you get from a place where you're resisting change to a place where you're embracing change as a gift? Well, first of all, remember, it doesn't happen instantly. It's a practice, which is great news, we can all practice, right? If you tell yourself what I'm doing takes practice, it takes some of that pressure off. So be gentle with yourself. And then secondly, schedule time for rest and reflection. And I mean that schedule it, I use a Full Focus planner, and in that planner, every day, every week I schedule in time for rest and reflection. Why? Because when I'm in a restful place, I'm in a receiving posture. And it's easier for me to process change. And believe me this year, more than ever, we have to over index in that processing. Because the changes are just happening all the time. There's these jokes, right that people are like, next thing you know, there's going to be flying monkeys, right? Because it's 2020. And all these crazy things are happening. So we have to build in that time to process change. Take control of your schedule, don't let it take control of you. So you build in that time and you process the changes and when you do that. What's going to happen is all these emotions, you're going to notice all these emotions swirling around inside of you. And that's okay. Because you've built in this time, to help you move from the place where you logically accept change in your head, to accepting it with your heart and your soul. Only then can you fully enjoy the gifts, the change wants to bring to your life. Here's a few steps for how I process change. Now, again, this can take some time, so schedule it in. And it's okay if you have to break it up over several sessions. But first thing I do is I write the changes down, I write in a journal every day, I've been writing in a journal every day. Now about 14 years, and then I wrote in journals all throughout my life off and on. But really, it's been a regular daily practice for me for about 14 years. So I write those changes down in my journal. For each change, I write down how the change makes me feel, and why. So I don't just write down how I feel, but I really explore each feeling. And usually, for every change, there's a mix of emotions, right? Don't be surprised if those mix of emotions have conflict. For example, let's say, you know, let's take an easy example, let's say you're moving into a new place, you could be kind of nervous. Maybe call that afraid, you know, am I gonna like my new neighbors, you could be sad, because you are leaving your old place behind. At the same time, you could be really excited about the new place. So you could be filling all these things, likely you're feeling all of these things all at the same time. So as you write those emotions out, here's the important thing to let yourself, feel them. Welcome them, honor them. Take that previous example. Allow yourself to be excited, write out why you're excited, allow yourself to be sad, write out why you're sad. Because chances are, if you honor that sad feeling and you really process it, it won't come out later in some inappropriate way. You know what I'm talking about? When you stretch your feelings, and later on, they come out on something else. And you're like, Whoa, where did that come from? Well, it came from not processing, you know, where that feeling was coming from originally. So you want to take that time to honor those feelings. Again, this helps you move into a place of acceptance. And finally, and this is the fourth step, once you've processed those emotions, now is the fun part. Write down the possible gifts, the change can bring. taking that same example of moving, you may write down that now you have a shorter commute, which will cut down on your drive time and stress level and allow you a few extra minutes at home, maybe to sleep or work out or walk your dog. Or maybe you think about it in terms of you know, the dollars, you're going to be saving per month that you could use to pay down that debt faster or achieve some financial goal. So you get the idea. You work through the changes, you figure out what the changes are, what are the feelings, why you're feeling them except those feelings, and then figure out what those gifts are. And soon, believe it or not, that change becomes more of a gift. And you will still have, you know, that memory of it being painful, and those negative emotions, but you're more likely going to be able to focus on those good emotions that the change can bring. Okay, I'll use an example from my own life. When COVID hit my church stop meeting in person and I was devastated. I felt sad. I was angry, I was afraid. And I was really confused by all these emotions swirling inside of me. So I started journaling it out. And it did take me a few weeks because this was a very big thing. I mean, I had been going to this church for 13 years and this was my, literally my, my social support. So as I was journaling it all out, I realized that I felt sad, because my spiritual community was so especially important to me. And I really landed on Wow, I consider them family. I also found other emotions, right. I was angry on many levels. I was angry that they made the decision to not meet I was angry at the governor of California for our social distancing laws. I was angry at Coronavirus. And you know what? I'll be honest with you. I was angry at God like Why? Why God, I felt abandoned. And I was afraid I wouldn't find a way to enjoy worshiping God in person again, something that I didn't even I didn't even realize how much I loved. I didn't realize how much I love to being in a room or a group of people worshiping God together. So again, it is a gift to realize those things. Once I process that out, I realized what I really needed was to find a place to worship in person. My husband and I were then able to pray for such an opportunity and it presented itself. We've been socially distanced but meeting with a new church that is in that has in person worship services. And it's been an unexpected gift, new people. They have a fresh view of God's word which has enriched our faith and spiritual walk and has widened our spiritual family. So we still have our old spiritual family and we can get together with them in a myriad of, you know, digital ways. But now we also have this extended family of people that we can worship God with together during the season, and that would have never happened, had Coronavirus not forced that change. So you see, even though I would have never chosen to worship with new people, it was this unexpected gift of this time. Loved ones. I know firsthand that change is hard and often very, very painful. But I hope these tips remind you how to intentionally process change and release control so that you can find the gifts in these many changes we're all going through. Until next time, I'm Pandora Villasenor. Thank you for listening to the All Gifts podcast. Thank you for listening to the All Gifts podcast. I'm your host Pandora Villasenor I have a passion for coaching people to overcome the challenges in their lives by helping them discover ways to transform those challenges into gifts, gifts of accomplishment, perseverance, strength and resilience. But most of all, peace and self love. Loved ones go to www.allgiftsbook.com to join us for exciting updates on the launch of All Gifts the book and sign up for our free newsletter.