Transcript
All Gifts Season 2. Episode 8. How to Redefine Failure
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SPEAKERS
Pandora Villasenor, Jarelle Dampier
Pandora Villasenor 00:00
this episode of the all gifts podcast, I have a conversation with my oldest son Jarelle about the gifts we've both found in our failures. I knew I wanted him to be my guest for this topic, partly because he's the child I brought into the world when I was barely 16, a decision which many people saw as a failure. But more importantly, I wanted him as a guest on this topic, because I've seen him successfully wrestle through failure, and transform it into gifts. Please listen all the way through as we laugh and share about everything from being single and heartbreak, to not living up to performance standards we put on ourselves, and God and career, whether you're a man or a woman, single or married, a parent or not young or mature. This episode, I promise has something in it for you. Join Drell and I, as we define redefine failure and success for ourselves. And you know, what kept me from being happy a lot of times was fear of failure. Yeah, I don't even happen yet. I'm just living through happy moments. And instead of enjoying those happy moments, I'm afraid of them failing, just rush rush to fail. Yeah, just run into is running.
Jarelle Dampier 01:15
you'll knock it off. And then you'll keep going. Yeah.
Pandora Villasenor 01:25
You are listening to the all gifts Podcast, where we unwrap some of life's most painful topics to find the hidden gift within. I coach people helping them discover ways to transform their challenges into gifts. I'm your host and author of the all gifts memoir, Pandora Villasenor. You are listening to the all gifts podcast. I'm your host, Pandora Villasenor. And today I have a very special guest. My guests name is Jarelle Dampier. Please say hi to our listeners.
Jarelle Dampier 02:00
What's up everybody? How you doing?
Pandora Villasenor 02:02
Why don't you give us a little bit about who you are.
Jarelle Dampier 02:05
So my name is Jarelle Dampier. I am the oldest son of Pandora Villasenor. I am almost 30.
Pandora Villasenor 02:16
Wow,
Jarelle Dampier 02:16
I've been married for four years to my wife heaven. And we have one son. And he's almost two years old. The same year that I got married, I broke into the animation industry as a storyboard artist for television. And I'm currently working in feature films. So
Pandora Villasenor 02:38
yeah, what points Yeah, those are great. Today, we are going to talk about the gift of failure. So I write and I talk about how all the things that happen to us, especially the hard and the painful things are actually gifts. And so what we're going to do today is we're going to unwrapped, unwrap this idea of failure, and how it's actually been a gift in our lives. So I am really looking forward to this conversation. I'm so excited. I knew when I wanted to talk about this topic that I want to drill to be my guest, because I know that he has found some real gifts in what other people might perceive as failure. So just to give you a little bit of background about me, I have failed in many ways. I have failed relationship wise, I have failed career wise, I have failed in the way I make decisions. And we're going to talk so much about that today. I will get into some detail about that. But first, I just want to ask our guest drill when you think of the word failure. How does it make you feel?
Jarelle Dampier 03:44
Oh, I think no one likes to hear failure. Right? Right. Um, but truthfully, I mean, I hate to start it out on this foot, but the word doesn't bother me like it used to.
Pandora Villasenor 03:57
Hmm.
Jarelle Dampier 03:59
I think that I've done the work to almost take it out of my mental like Rolodex as an option. So, honestly, it sounds a little weird to say it out loud. But I do think it immediately takes me to the past. in an interesting way. It makes me look back. When I hear the word failure, it just I can recall eight different things that have happened. Things that I don't readily think about all the time, but it has an interesting way of like recalling very specific moments. So that's kind of what I think about
Pandora Villasenor 04:33
Yes. And when you recall those moments, do you are you able to look back on them and see them like transformed into like a new perspective then maybe what it was like when you went through those experiences?
Jarelle Dampier 04:46
Definitely, I think I think um, I love I love where my life is at right now. And so it was always interesting to me when people are like oh man, highschool best years of my life, you know, right when I was on the football team, I did all. Like, I would never want to go back to high school, right? You know, that, like, that's kind of what the word brings out of me. It's like, I wouldn't want to go back.
Pandora Villasenor 05:12
Mm hmm.
Jarelle Dampier 05:13
Like, oh, when I was 20, all that failure, you know, right, I wouldn't want to go back. I love what it has produced in my life now, but I wouldn't want to go back. I love what heartbreak has produced. And how it led me to who would eventually be my wife. I just wouldn't want to go back
Pandora Villasenor 05:32
and do it again. And do it again.
Jarelle Dampier 05:33
Yeah, it just has an interesting way of like I can, I can see the fruit of of the things that have happened. But Wow, it's like getting off a roller coaster. Glad I live. Yeah, I don't really,
Pandora Villasenor 05:47
there's a good ride. But you're not that guy that runs back to the line to go through it again. So tell us a little bit, we'll
Jarelle Dampier 05:56
guess yeah,
Pandora Villasenor 05:57
let's go. No, no, you're good. Let's go into that a little bit more. You talked about how heartbreak led to you finding a gift and a wife. So this is a perfect example of how something that when we're going through it. And again, all gifts isn't about denying the pain of what we're going through. It's about leaning into that pain, working through it, growing from it, and then getting to this place where we can look back and go, Wow, that was actually a gift. Can you tell us a little bit more about that in your life? Yeah, I
Jarelle Dampier 06:29
mean, my wife is my best friend. She knows me the most out of anybody. We have a child together, you know, it's just nobody else I've ever met or, or thought that I wanted a romantic relationship even compares to my wife, right. But I also feel like all of those little blips on your radar, end up informing your decisions of who you do want to be with, and magnifying their values. And in a way, I was like, I needed all those little breadcrumbs to find my way to the table. Just an analogy person, I'm probably going to drop a lot of bad ones. But that's that's how we love those. And it isn't saying anything about any of the people who I was romantically interested in before, or that there's somehow crumbs or whatever. But like, I think all those little points were necessary
Pandora Villasenor 07:32
to lead you.
Jarelle Dampier 07:33
Yeah, to lead me to heaven. And then also to to make sure that I was the kind of person that heaven could be with to Oh, and that's a that's a big thing. Mm hmm. Because I think a lot of I think from the time I was like, in my teens to my mid 20s. I don't know, it's like before you before you meet the one, you know, quote, unquote, you're very, like, selfless, selfishly involved in the act of romance. It feels like
Pandora Villasenor 08:05
Mm hmm.
Jarelle Dampier 08:07
At least I was. And it's not like, you could have told me that then. And I would have understood what you meant. But you know, it just feels like you're in it for yourself, or I was in it for myself. Mm hmm. There was always some person I was attaching my feelings to, or somebody served as my goal as something to work for, so that I could have a reason to get out of bed and be spiritual every day.
Pandora Villasenor 08:30
Right? Right.
Jarelle Dampier 08:31
So for me, it seemed like I always needed some girl to be a muse for me to be close to God.
Pandora Villasenor 08:39
Mm hmm.
Jarelle Dampier 08:42
And I probably went until I was at least 23. Yeah. 20 or no, I'm sorry. 2021 22.
Pandora Villasenor 08:49
Okay. And then, in that process, Yves alluded to heartbreak. Right. You're, you're pursuing relationships to feel something empty. Right.
Jarelle Dampier 09:00
Yeah. Which doesn't really work. You know. It doesn't work. And then I think the other person can catch on to that. Pretty quickly. Yeah. When when your feelings aren't rooted in. You know, actual love. Yeah, I mean, I don't I'm not I don't even know what I'm talking about. I'm not an expert.
Pandora Villasenor 09:20
One day, August podcast isn't about being an expert. It's about just sharing our stories.
Jarelle Dampier 09:25
Yeah, yeah, I would say, I mean, I do. I don't want to spend more time on it. But, you know, my past relationships. They they ended, and some of them didn't end well. But I think they all informed who I became and what I was able to bring to a relationship in a different way than if I hadn't experienced it. Yeah. Yeah. And we've all kind of been there, you know, and it doesn't take away the hurt of what you went through, but it does, I think it it gives me a lot more gratitude for my wife now.
Pandora Villasenor 10:00
Now I want to dig into just a little bit more about the process. And I forgive me if you've never thought about it before, but when you look back at those times, were there specific actions, things that you did a process that you went through to get to that place where you could see those, you know, the gifts from each experience? Or even if it didn't feel like a gift at the time? Was there a certain way that you handled it so that later you could be transformed into that person? Or along the journey? You were being transformed? Are there specific things you could point to that you did?
Jarelle Dampier 10:37
cry? Yeah, walk, walking, cry, crying walk, you know? Yeah, those have been big. I'm a big, you know, I feel like men need to cry more than they do. But yeah, I just cried. I mean, just let it hurt. You know, I think when you when you really open up the wound, and you squirt some lemon juice in there, Mm hmm. It stings. But it's also like killing bacteria. Oh, and that's kind of what it feels like. It's like cry it out. Because Because the I think every step of the way. God is constantly trying to tell me, you can't be in this for you. You know, if you really, if you really want somebody in your life, you have to care more about them than your, you know, then then you getting up out of bed in the morning and having a reason to exist. Mm hmm. And I think it led me Sorry. I think it led me to find my own reasons to exist.
Pandora Villasenor 11:32
Oh, I like that. And then when
Jarelle Dampier 11:33
I was like, 15, believe it or not, it just felt like I didn't have much reason to exist. I don't know. If that's a common 15 year old thing.
Pandora Villasenor 11:44
I think it is drill. I think it is I think it is I can relate to that. It felt
Jarelle Dampier 11:48
like, you know, I need to find something to attach to. That's how I felt. Mm hmm. And so the closest thing was, I'm just gonna like this girl. Yeah, I can't even remember, like, forcing feelings, like just trying to like somebody just so I could have something to, to kind of orient myself to have a goal. Mm hmm. Sounds weird. Yeah, but I feel like the when you cry it out, you go on those walks, and you leave you leave room for God to to answer your questions. You know, why would you Why would you allow this to happen? You know, and all the things we say, Well, why would you make me go through this? Yeah. And then you just walk, walk it out, cry it out? Eventually God will be like, well, because you have, you know, you have reasons to live that, that don't include anybody else. They don't need to include anybody else. Wow. I'm trying to get you to find those reasons. You know, if you're, you're an artist, you don't create any more. I'm trying to get you to try to get you to create, what's going to happen when this person who is your project or whatever. What let's let's say that you, you, you get that you get that relationship? And then what are you going to do? You know, that it's not their job to like, fulfill this thing in you that wants to feel significant? Mm hmm. And I think that's when I started to get back to my art roots.
Pandora Villasenor 13:25
Yeah, I had
Jarelle Dampier 13:26
kind of neglected it for a long time. Mm hmm. Especially when I moved. I got really caught up and just other people's expectations of me and what I wanted to do with my life, and I kind of just thought, being an artist wasn't practical, like, you know, 20 year old wisdom at its best. So would you do, instead of going for the art that was on your heart,
Pandora Villasenor 13:48
I didn't mean to rhyme? Would you do instead?
Jarelle Dampier 13:52
I just buried it.
Pandora Villasenor 13:53
Yeah, you know,
Jarelle Dampier 13:54
I buried it, I started to get I think too many young people, what they do is they start to get practical, because the older people around you will use their own lens and experience to tell you what is and is impossible, right. And at the time, I could speak really well in front of a crowd. I could remember Bible verses, I could lead a Bible talk. And so it was very natural, I think for people around me to say, well, you, you know God wants to use you to lead people, obviously, you know, it was kind of like, Why waste your time with animation. When you know, clearly you're meant to, you know, bring the kingdom of God to people.
Pandora Villasenor 14:36
Mm hmm.
Jarelle Dampier 14:38
And, you know, in my like, 20 year old mine it was like that's, that's cool to hear. doesn't sound bad. Now, obviously. Obviously, I want to do what God wants me to do.
Pandora Villasenor 14:50
But there's more than one way to do that. Isn't there?
Jarelle Dampier 14:52
Yeah. Yeah. So many more ways, so
Pandora Villasenor 14:55
many ways. But at the time, it sounds like the you know, the influences. You have Just like the people in your life, including me as your mom probably blazed a trail or gave you some impression that there was a certain way to go about really living out those gifts God had given you.
Jarelle Dampier 15:13
I think so I gotta say you, I feel like you are always in my corner with the art stuff. I think at that point in my life, you didn't want to give a strong impression either way, you kind of wanted me to make my own choices, but I've never gotten any mixed signals from you. I feel like you've always said you could do this man, you know, you can like you would take me to museums when I was a kid, like, you could have your stuff in a museum, you know, you don't need to, you can you can move to LA, you can make movies. I feel like that has always been your voice in my life, except for when I was a little confused by all the voices in my life. I think you kind of, rightly so stepped back a little bit and kind of let me figure that out. But yeah, there were there were a lot of voices. Mm hmm. And so you kind of just lose sight of what you like, and what makes you you. Yeah, you know,
Pandora Villasenor 16:08
yeah. During the time that you went to college, and I mean, as your mom, I knew, like, Wow, he isn't happy, you know. And I, it was, it was such a suffering, you know, and I saw it and it was so hard, because I know you're an artist, I mean, guys, when Dre was little, he had his own sketchbooks that he made out of composition notebooks that he called his versions out of like his influence from Pokemon. So he had his like, different versions is what he called his different sketchbooks. And, yeah, you have them because he sold them at school. And he came home and said he had money to get a video game. And I'm like, how'd you get money? And he told me, he sold his versions. And I was like, ah, you've got to get them back. We've got to get them all back. You'll get all I had to
Jarelle Dampier 16:55
go get on back and give people back.
Pandora Villasenor 16:57
Yeah. I said, Man, one day, you're going to be an artist, you're going to be a professional artist, and you're going to wish you had those and he's looking at me like what? But video, I'm like, I will get the video game. You're gonna get those sketchbooks. I
Jarelle Dampier 17:11
was like nine. Yeah, my head. I was like, I can just draw more.
Pandora Villasenor 17:16
They were so good, though. And so here he was, he's what 1819 at a community college here in LA. And he was miserable. And I'm like, okay,
Jarelle Dampier 17:26
it was not the community college that was making me mad. No, by the way, no, Community College is great. Yeah, it was, um, other things,
Pandora Villasenor 17:34
but he wasn't, but it wasn't for him. And I remember I had stayed away from the situation, just wanting to see where you would go with it. And, you know, I planted seeds for you to believe you could do whatever you wanted to do. But there were other influences at the time, which was fine. And some good men in his life, things like that. But I remember one day, you were just miserable. And I had just actually, I'd only been with Joe, my current, you know, my current my husband, at the time we were dating and he said, you know, Pandora, you need to tell him that he, he just needs to draw. And I was like, You know what, I have stood back long enough. Like I need to tell him. And I don't know if you remember this, but I said to you look if you're in school, to please me, because at that point, I'd been the only one to go to college and my family. So I didn't know if there was this sort of like, well, I got to do that, too. I didn't know if that was part of it. But I just said you know what if that's the thing, like I release you from it, do you remember that conversation? Or remember
Jarelle Dampier 18:33
something like, you know, not the exact words, but yeah, I do remember like that. I remember that time period. Yes. I remember starting to feel like I had a choice. Yeah. And I think for the first three year I was I was in community college for three years, which is already like red flag.
Pandora Villasenor 18:50
Taking Japanese one on one.
Jarelle Dampier 18:52
Yeah. That was a legitimate interest for me. But it was just, it was it had been long enough. And I do remember I was having talks that started to kind of liberate me from feeling like I needed to go through with this.
Pandora Villasenor 19:07
Yeah. Because I started to realize that maybe you had a sense that somehow you'd gotten the message that you had to be practical. And the way to be practical was to go to college. You know, those were my foots. I kind of felt like you were almost trying to follow my footsteps. Maybe you weren't, but it felt like I had left a trail of Okay, this is the way you're successful. You go to college, you get a good job, which by the way, you know, has its own stories to it, because that's not you know, even my career. I mean, I have a very lots of failures in the past as I went through that journey, but But anyway, I got the sense that, you know, this isn't for him, he needs to be released from it. And so I let you know that and then I don't know if it was you know, directly from just that conversation or several things, but then you know, not too long after that you decided like I'm done. I'm going to stop trying to do this college thing that's making me miserable. But then you went into a, you know, serve an office job. And Nope, you went to Target target overnight, target overnight. But you started really going after drawing again.
Jarelle Dampier 20:18
Yeah, in all my free time, all my spare time I was drawing again. So I was in a really kind of weird relationship with the church that I was in at the time. So I came back home. That was a big thing is I think these talks weren't just about me leaving school, they were about me leaving the campus ministry. Yeah, I did not feel comfortable there. Mm hmm. And I just I didn't feel taken seriously. I mean, it was one of those things where, yeah, just I mean, I'm not gonna mention any names, but just know, legalism, and the kind of rat race that can happen in in any religious kind of gathering of people. I don't really consider myself a religious person. So when I get caught up in this kind of religious, like, Who's taller than who and who has a bigger chest, and who can lead the most bible talks, and who can get the most people to come out? Right? That's kind of how I was living for a couple years.
Pandora Villasenor 21:12
like performance based. Oh, yeah.
Jarelle Dampier 21:14
And I was just kind of like, this is lame.
Pandora Villasenor 21:17
I don't like any of this. What's interesting about that, too, is that one could perceive that as a failure. And again, this is all about looking at things that could be perceived as a failure, you could perceive as a failure, but you didn't. Like for example, you could have looked at, okay, I'm dropping out of college as a failure. No, instead, you used all your time, and you basically educated yourself on your own passion, you should have three degrees by now, the way you've gone after learn about art. And then he recognized that there was this, you know, there was this performance based structure in the the church he was going to, and in that someone could say, someone could see that go, Well, I failed. I didn't live up to those performance measurements. But you didn't, you looked at it. And you and you, and you did something different. Yeah. Tell us about that.
Jarelle Dampier 22:08
I guess it's just a matter of like, this is not for me, is a powerful tool. Because I think if you're listening, like not everything that you perceive as a failure is really on you. Not your failure. Some things just aren't for you. And that's okay. You know, so I think that that thought helped me out in that time like this, this style is not for me, maybe it works to to get you out of bed or get you to show your faith or whatever. Yeah, this is not for me, this is gonna make me hate what I'm doing. Mm hmm. And I and I do I know, I love God, I have a relationship with God, but I don't like this, right? This is not for me, you know. So I just feel like, it allowed me to get activated. Like when you when you feel like you found what is for you, then you can fire on all cylinders, you know, when but when you're not, when you're just kind of going.
Pandora Villasenor 23:01
I don't know, just going about life kind of doing what you think you should do. It just feels like you're not really you don't have a full tank of gas. You know, they call it flow. When you're doing the thing that you're meant to be doing. You sort of fall into a flow, you get into the sort of like an energy flow that happens. It sounds like once you made some of those decisions to go, look, I'm not going to see this as a failure. I'm not going to see myself as a failure. Instead, I'm going to know that this is not for me, and to instead turn towards what was for you. And then that's when your life really got into flow.
Jarelle Dampier 23:35
Yeah, I mean, yes, it did. But that was a hard time. It was it was a hard time there were a lot of there was still a lot of walking and crying. Yeah. Because when you when you drop everything you're doing to become an artist. It's It's not like I was it's not like it's quickly much better than what you were just doing. wasting your time and community. Like everyone around you still thinks you're wasting your time. Right. So there were a lot of like gigs that didn't pay that well. Or gigs that didn't pay at all. Yeah, more. Oh man, just like walking into a gas station at 11. So I can get like a cigar and smoking and walk around the block and just be sad. It just felt like yeah, like, I don't want people listening to this and thinking man, he dropped out and then like, all his dreams came true. It was not like that. And I was still sad. I felt like a loser. Mm hmm. I the way that I talked to myself at the time was very negative. Working in the target freezers overnight was not fun at all. It was horrible. Yeah, you know, you're just like negative 40. If you drop something in there, you're done for like, you got to get on your hands and knees and the frozen and just cursing and then they're little like BP Scan goes, it gets too cold in there. So the thing will die. So yeah.
Pandora Villasenor 25:05
So how did you it was
Jarelle Dampier 25:06
like a crucible of my soul on?
Pandora Villasenor 25:08
Yes, yeah. So
Jarelle Dampier 25:11
I don't think like because I was sure of the outcome I didn't give up. But man, it was like it wanted me to give up every day
Pandora Villasenor 25:23
you were sure of the outcome. Tell us about that. Yeah,
Jarelle Dampier 25:27
I think there's a practical part of following your dreams, which is if I do X and Y every day, then z is probably going to happen. And that would that would keep me going. If I work hard enough. If I do this every because creativity, there is a part of it that you're born withPandora Villasenor 25:46
I think there's a part of it. That's like, you just have an imagination. But there's a huge part of it. That is mechanical. And there's a lot of people. Yeah, a lot of people dismiss that part. Well, I just can't draw. When I was writing all gifts, I kept a sticky note, right above my dresser that said, just write a little bit every day. Exactly, because that book took three years, but I would look at that sticky note. And I would just go, Okay, I'm just gonna write a little bit today. Yeah. And some days I really could only write a little bit. And then other days, I wrote a lot. And over a three year period, I finished a book. And so
Jarelle Dampier 26:22
yeah, exactly. It is like in people always say, Oh, I wish I could write like, I wish I could write to man. I sacrificed hours. Yeah. Every day. Yeah. It's not about like, no one came and gave me the gift of writing. Yeah, and I think this is the same with drawing. You know, I put like, 10,000 hours plus 10,000.
Pandora Villasenor 26:41
Yeah. Yeah.
Jarelle Dampier 26:43
And I still have, you know, there's still times I don't feel like I can draw that. Well,
Pandora Villasenor 26:48
okay, but I'm gonna brag. Here's a mom brag. Mom brag really quick. So droves not gonna say it. But over the course of time, no, it didn't happen like overnight, and he put tons of blood sweat and tears into it. Lots of prayer, lots of supplication. Lots of, you know, going on walks lots of his mom praying for him to. And now we are looking back and years later, he is a full time professional artist. He's worked with studios that he only dreamt of he, he learned about social media. He put himself out there and he met people in his industry. And it's really an incredible story. But he got there, I think through some really great things which are allowing, allowing things that happened to him not to take him out, even though they threatened to take them out. And this happens to all of us. And that's why we're making this podcast is so that if you're listening, if there's some challenge, if there's some, some bad decision that you've made, if there's something that you've done that you feel like there's just nothing that you can come back from it's it's not true. We want to encourage you to believe that through you know, through prayer through spending time just checking in with your inner wisdom, you can dig in and learn from the experience and it'll make you unstoppable. Hmm. Yeah, there's
Jarelle Dampier 28:05
so much. I think the prevailing thought the fear that I had at the time was it's too late. Right? Which is really odd. Yeah. Like a 20. Yeah. That would be like Evan, just thinking it's too late. Yeah. And I don't know. Maybe that's like just you just growing up too fast. Or I don't know why I always had this feeling that I was just late to the party. You ran out of time. Yeah, like art school students are going to be the ones to get those jobs. Why would I get the jobs?
Pandora Villasenor 28:35
And we went to an art school. Remember that?
Jarelle Dampier 28:38
Yeah. No, signed up. And it was so
Pandora Villasenor 28:39
boring. Yeah, it was so much money, and they didn't have any financial aid. And none of the teachers were professional. Yeah, it didn't seem right. And yeah, it's just but there was this thought that that was the way to be successful. And it wasn't true.
Jarelle Dampier 28:54
But see, we know that now. Right. But at the time, it was heartbreaking. It was another failure. Oh, yeah.
Pandora Villasenor 28:59
It felt like a failure.
Jarelle Dampier 29:01
felt like a failure. Yeah. And, and then you fast forward. So I've been at target for years. I was a freelance barista. I was an Uber driver. Mm hmm. I was doing odd art jobs.
Pandora Villasenor 29:17
Mm hmm.
Jarelle Dampier 29:17
I freelanced a little bit for Marvel Comics. And that didn't lead anywhere, which was so all this heartbreak, I thought I was gonna get a book deal. When I was like, maybe 23. To tell you about that. I got a graphic novel deal, but they weren't going to pay me for it until it was done. It was like 200 pages. Uh huh. I remember that. Which means that I would have had to work our time. Mm hmm. And then I would draw from but 8pm to 2am. And then wake up at six and at the time, go to my job at a construction office. Yeah. So I had to turn that book down. Even though it was the coolest gig I had gotten offered.
Pandora Villasenor 29:57
You made your own original comic.
Jarelle Dampier 29:59
I did. Yeah. So I made my own book. I put that out for a few months online. That was fun. Mm hmm. But again, I was, I was just exhausted. I think this was when I was around 24. Yeah, heaven and I were dating at the time, I really wanted to get married. So this was the first time that I had ever thought about quitting. Drawing and just being an office guy. I worked in a construction office, one of my best friends worked in the same office, and he had made a pretty good living for himself. He has two great daughters, he has a good marriage, and I thought, I'm tired. I've been, you know, basically, from 18 to 25. I was just grinding thousands and thousands of drawings every day. And I think this was the first time I considered from a healthy perspective. Maybe I should stop. You know, maybe all this striving. All this heartbreak, like, wouldn't it be nice if you just stopped just have fun with your friends, hang out with your girlfriend, you know, stop missing dates, because you're asleep? Because you stayed up for three days drawing. You know, like, just get rid of that pressure. That's like, Hey, you got to draw you should be drawing, you should be drawing. What are you doing? You should be drawing. I felt that all the time. Yeah. And I, you know, after praying about it a lot, I felt like yeah, I think I might come back. But I'm not going to think about that right now. Right now. I'm going to quit. That was when I was at. Yeah, you know,
Pandora Villasenor 31:33
I remember the place. I remember we went on a walk a prayer walk together. And we went through that cul de sac that has the the the no outlet, you know what I'm trying to say it's a dead end street down down around the corner. And we just prayed for it. You know, I just to me, at the time, I could such see a vision for you. And any moms listening, I know, you know what I'm saying you see a vision for your kids. And I just saw you, as a professional artist, I always saw you that way. And so I will say any moms listening, if you see a vision for your children, don't give up, keep praying for them. Because those prayers. Just today I was reading James that a prayer, prayers of a righteous person are powerful and effective. And I believe that for moms especially. But I think, you know, kind of switching gears a little bit. During that time you. You had a breakthrough, you had a breakthrough. And I think that's that's the thing is like it took years. But the thing I want the listeners to think about is how we just have to be persistent. And we have to believe in the visions and the dreams that God puts on our hearts. And if you believe in them, and you do the work, so it's both. But if you're persistent, and you keep going after it, then eventually you'll have a breakthrough. I don't think we're unique. You know, I look at our story. And the reason why I started writing all gifts, the reason why I started this podcast and really started to write is because I looked at your life as a miracle and mine and your brother. And I knew that I wanted to share these miracles with people so that they would know that they too, can persevere and they can pursue the things the purposes and the coins that are on their heart. Yeah, yeah.
Jarelle Dampier 33:22
Sound, the big thing that came to mind just now is like sometimes a breakthrough breaks you Hmm. And that and that seems a little like counterintuitive. But when I had that breakthrough, it's because I was broken. I was broken down. I was so tired. That I didn't have any fight left in me. And but I was able to the more I prayed about it, the more it felt like, this is a good break. It's not like a bad break. It's I feel like I'm being timed out. But in a way that's like yeah, I don't know. It's like I was being given a vacation,
Pandora Villasenor 34:03
maybe like a timeout from yourself.
Jarelle Dampier 34:06
Like something like that. I mean, I just felt like God was kind of like, enjoy your life a little bit. Yeah. Like, like, be engaged. You know? Yeah, literally, like get engaged to heaven, because I was waiting to be a professional artist to like to be engaged. And I feel like God was like, Nah, man. Just, yeah. Just be engaged, like and be engaged now.
Pandora Villasenor 34:30
Yeah. And then how soon after wedding day, you know? Yeah. And then how soon after did the breakthrough come?
Jarelle Dampier 34:36
So about halfway through being engaged. I wasn't drawing for about six months. Mm hmm. And I started to get really depressed. All these things that sound really great on paper were really hard to live through. Yeah, I started to get really depressed because I wasn't drawing and I drew every day for like 10 years. And I wasn't creating anything. So At the time, it was like I was a couple months away from my wedding. And I felt the need to simplify my life. So I moved back home for a little bit. I was, I think getting married in like two months, but I had I had an apartment ready, but it wasn't going to be ready for one month. So I lived here for a month. Mm hmm. And in that month, I felt like I mean, literally, like my mom has a great garden in her backyard. But it figuratively it felt like I was in a garden of like, just just chill, man. You know, don't stop just to stop grinding. Yeah, I think grinding is the it's this word. That sounds really cool. And it's become really cool. Yeah, but grinding is the worst. Yeah.
Pandora Villasenor 35:46
Striving. And sometimes
Jarelle Dampier 35:48
you have to Mm hmm. But I feel like there's a whole group, a whole group of people that are like, we just never stopped grinding, like, even past the point where you have to right? One thing I was really bad at is resting and finding, feeling that I was important without art. In a way art kind of just replaced the girl thing. Interesting is just like, I need something to chase so that I feel important or significant. Rather, being important wasn't a goal of mine. But feeling like I had importance, whether that's to God or somebody else. Those were big pursuits. And I feel like I needed that time to be like, you're important. Just because even if you Yeah, just because you exist, just because you're my child. Yeah. That's what makes you important. It's not art. It's not,
Pandora Villasenor 36:43
you know, having your name on a bunch of movies or whatever. It's just just being you, you know, you're important. Wow, I totally relate to that. And this is why I want to talk about this because I think it's a read. It's a redefining failure, but it's also a redefining of success. What you just hinted at, is you realized, wow, like, all these things aren't what makes me successful. What makes me successful is my inherent belovedness. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's awesome. And
Jarelle Dampier 37:14
how you feel about yourself? is a big part of what makes you successful. Yeah. I love that inherent belovedness. That's really cool.
Pandora Villasenor 37:23
Mm hmm.
Jarelle Dampier 37:24
Yeah, I was not about inherent belovedness at all. Until that that month.
Pandora Villasenor 37:29
Yeah.
Jarelle Dampier 37:29
And I think that whole I think everything in my life led to that month, well, of just realizing that I was important. Once I realized I was important without drawing. I wanted to draw again. But it felt different. Yeah, it felt like I had, it felt like I had clarity. Felt like. Um, so before I took a break from drawing, I would literally draw from for like, 10 hours a day. You know, until my hands shook, and then I would like switch hands. After the break, though, I only had the energy to draw for like, 30 minutes, and then I would be exhausted. Wow. And the first couple of days, I'm like, come on, man. I used to draw for 10 hours. No, I'd like I'd be mad, like storm out, go on a prayer walk and be like, oh, like I used to. I used to do this all day. Like, why am I so weak?
Pandora Villasenor 38:23
Hmm.
Jarelle Dampier 38:24
What's wrong with me? And God was just like, dude, nothing's wrong with you. You know, like the drawings that you did in the half hour? Wow. How do you feel about them? They're good, I guess. Oh, they're good. You know, do you like them? Like, yeah, I guess? Like, do you like them more than the 10 hour drawings? Like? Yeah, actually, yeah. You know, yeah, they're a little better. They're a little more focused. Wow, they're a little they're a little closer to the real me. Wow. And so then it would just be like, Okay, do it again tomorrow.
Pandora Villasenor 38:57
I love that. Alan fatling, who wrote an unhurried life says what we, whatever we can do in stress and anxiety, we can do in peace with God. And he talks about that and about how you can take the same activity, and you can do it with that grinding and that striving. And then you could you know, Alternatively, you can do it with God with peace and serenity. And the outcomes are vastly different. They are, especially for creative process.
Jarelle Dampier 39:31
They're really different. The problem I think, is growing up, black to you listen to a lot of music, and you hear a lot of people that celebrate the grind, you got it, you
Pandora Villasenor 39:43
got a grind. Well, we grew up on hip hop, gotta
Jarelle Dampier 39:44
get yours You got to get out there and you know, you gotta work which
Pandora Villasenor 39:47
I love. I love that it was very motivating for me and for you, I'm sure. But there is a sense of like, we can over index in that and put too much stock into it. It's like if it motivates you a little bit gets you going Great, but if you're now over, you know, we can overdo it. And that's our culture, right? Not just within the black community that that we're talking about the hip hop community, but it's also part of the American culture, you know, like, work hard play hard, you know, this idea of like, work, work, work, you know, you know, people are like, at the airport, you know, so important during their emails, and I'd be like, we're particular on an airplane, like, I'm sure your emails can wait, but there's this like, sense of, you know, important boundaries
Jarelle Dampier 40:27
with your grind.
Pandora Villasenor 40:28
Yeah, there's no boundaries. So, you know, I want listeners to know something to that, you know, this is the son, this articulate, wonderful, amazing person you're listening to? This is the same son that I brought into the world when I was 15. Yeah. So when you talked earlier about being 15? And how you think like, Oh, this is, you know, that is, that is the way you came into this world. So one of the things that is a beautiful thing about this conversation is, I, I always, I always loved and knew I wanted you, when I found out I was pregnant. At the same time, it was perceived as a failure, you know, everybody around me, of course, it was 1990. And everybody, you know, speak pregnancy epidemic in America. So I was just part of, you know, this epidemic, of course, I didn't see it that way, at the time, young black America, you know, just girls are getting pregnant, like all over the place, all, you know, big class of us at my high school, but it was perceived as this failure. And, you know, I was treated that way, by by all the grownups, you know, from my parents to, you know, the, you know, the nurses when I went to the doctor, you know, throughout the pregnancy at the welfare department, when I signed up for my food stamps and my medical card. I mean, everybody treated me like I was a burden on their taxes. And, you know, to some degree, maybe I was, because I was on public assistance. However, I was so beautiful about that is I never saw it that way. I saw you from the get go as a catalyst. Of course, I might not have said that at the time. But I can look back and I can see that, you know, this thing that was and I was ashamed. I mean, people put a lot of shame on me. And I did take it in. But I also knew that this child growing inside of me that I was bringing to the world that I wanted to do better for, you know, and so in that way, you were this huge catalyst in my life to go, Wait, I may have been asleep. Up until this point, I may have blindly did the epidemic thing doing what everybody else in my station of life did. But there was something about like, no, now I have to be different, I have to wake up, I have to get up and I have to be different. And not different, like I'm better, but like different in that. I'm not going to be asleep to whatever other people are kind of doing around me, I'm going to be very intentional with my life, I'm going to inform me, all I can think of was education, I'd really didn't know anything else. And thank God for a different world on TV at the time, because I don't even know if I would have thought of that. Which was a television show spin off The Cosby Show, in case people don't know, set in a college setting. And I loved it. And I think it was the biggest influence in my life to go to college to be honest. And, and and so it's so beautiful to be having this conversation about perceived failure, and redefining failure and success because you are my biggest success. You and your brother, are my like, you guys are my biggest gifts. And when I look at where your lives are today, it's what led me to this moment to go Okay. How does a girl who's 15 years old on generational welfare, surrounded by drug addicts, alcoholics, all kinds of darkness, end up with these amazing young men that are healthy? How did we break these generational curses? And so it's awesome to have this conversation with you. And so I'm really grateful. So yeah, and listeners, there's so many more so many more like failures, I could get into career failures, bad decisions. But just for now, just want to leave everybody with this idea that anything that can happen along the way, it's not a it's not a waste, everything that happens to you can be used by you, and by God to make you a stronger person, a more resilient person, somebody who is more in tune with their brokenness, which isn't a bad thing. I love how you said that drill. brokenness can be a good brokenness. There's different types of brokenness. There's some that's not good. But if you can be broken to the point that you realize, wow, I am dependent upon something greater than myself to pick me up and bring me through and to realize that there is a love that is greater and more powerful than you that can sweep in and make Everything good, then then it's going to be to your game. Yeah, yeah, for sure.
Jarelle Dampier 45:06
I think if I can add one more thought it's just, I've spent this the majority of this talking about failures, because that's what it's about. But when I look back, and now, I have worked for Warner Brothers, Netflix, Marvel, animation, Marvel Studios, Marvel Comics, DC Comics. Disney, DreamWorks Mm hmm. A few other studios that I don't think anyone will know. But powerhouse sky bound. It's crazy. Yeah, it's actually crazy. And this is all the stories that I'm telling are four years ago.
Pandora Villasenor 45:54
Yeah. It's not that long ago, actually. Yeah,
Jarelle Dampier 45:57
we're talking about 2016. We're talking about me moving back in before my wedding and, and having a rock bottom moment. This is four years ago.
Pandora Villasenor 46:06
Mm hmm.
Jarelle Dampier 46:06
So you know, I've just been amazed by the amount of things that it took to get me here, but at all It Like It feels like a million years ago. But then it also feels like last week, in a weird way. I just don't think life is worth if you're not feeling good about what you're doing. If you're not feeling if you're feeling like your failures are taking over your heart and your mind. You got to do something about it. It's not worth it. Yeah, like you, we really only get one life. And it's not worth sitting around. letting all your failures dog pile on, you know what I mean? There's enough things trying to take you out. Yeah. So I really don't know. I don't know. I don't know how this can help anybody. Honestly. I just think it's crazy. Because I have all these things. They felt like failures at the time. It did. It really did. And I I don't know. I want to say I don't I don't feel like it's it's miraculous in the sense that like, I don't think you can wait on something else to start it for you. I think when you start walking like God will meet you halfway. Oh, you know what I mean? Yeah. Because I think some people can hear it and be like, it was a miracle. Yeah. It was a miracle. My son is a miracle. Mm hmm. But me and my wife had a little bit to do with him happening on me.
Pandora Villasenor 47:44
Yeah, you had your part. Yeah. So in
Jarelle Dampier 47:46
that same sense, it is a miracle. Like the like, perceiving your failures as gifts is a miracle. But I do feel like when you start walking on that journey, then then then God and the Spirit can kind of be the wind beneath your wings. If you allow it to,
Pandora Villasenor 48:04
yeah, there's a little stepping out on faith, you know, and a belief, you know, it's like, when I got pregnant, I believed that you were good. And you were meant to be. I believed that, that having you was going to be this huge gift in my life. I believed it. Even as it felt like a failure even as you know, the grown ups around me, you know, looked at me with disdain, and you know, disgust. But I knew growing ups, I know grown ups. Know, stop it, don't do it. Believe I do think there's a degree of belief. There's a degree of faith. It's just like your dream. You had a, there was that sense of, you know, this is what I meant to do. Writing all gifts felt that way. It felt like you know what, I don't know anything about writing a book, but I'm going to write it starting this podcast. I don't know anything about podcasting. But I'm going to do it sounds pretty good. Sounds pretty good, doesn't it? Somebody's listening to it right now. Go figure. But all that to say, you know, we just really want to encourage you, you know, your failures don't define you. You define your failures. Yes. It's your choice of how you're going to respond. And that's what all gifts is about. That's when I do coaching. When I when I speak when I write. It's all about not necessarily changing your circumstances. It's about seeing them differently. So we don't let failure define us. We define failure, we tell failure, what it's going to be for us. I told my failures, this is what you're going to be for me when I got fired from a job once really quick, really quick story.
Jarelle Dampier 49:43
Yeah, well, I have one.
Pandora Villasenor 49:45
So you thought this was over? It's not over yet. I got fired. I got fired from a job. And I remember I was working for the Christian radio station. I'm not going to name any names of which what the call tags are okay. But I was working for a Christian radio station. I was gung ho I was a nucleus. I was fired up. I was I had been a sales rep for many types of companies in many industries and I was ready to sell Christian radio. And I bombed, I bombed, I completely failed at it. And I remember the day I got fired. I knew I was gonna get fired. That day was the weirdest thing. It was the weirdest thing. I got into my cubicle best though kind of it was. So it was like, it was weird. I had that calm, that sense of calm when you know, you're about to get fired. Okay, I've never been fired before since so I'd never experienced it. But I got into my cubicle that day. And I was like, Oh, I'm gonna be fired today. And then sure enough, a few minutes later, my boss at the time, like, poked his head in my cubicle and said, Hey, Pandora. Can I see you in my office really quick? And I knew I was like, Oh, here he comes. It was like watching a dream. I was like, How do I know what's happening right now? I walk into his office and he says, you know, Pandora, I feel like God is thwarting you here. And I looked at him. And I said, I think you're right. And he's like, so we're gonna let you go. And I was like, Yeah, okay. And it was like the most calm, peaceful, even exciting thing. I don't know, people like what this is about, like, you know, when God's working when you feel peace in the face of failure? Yeah. So here, I've never been fired before. And I walked out with just this piece. And while I was in the parking lot, my phone rang. And someone I'd been trying to sell radio advertising, too, called me and offered me a job. It was such a parallel moment. And not that that needs to happen for everybody. And not in everything. I think God just gave me that as a special gift, because I was a single mom who was struggling. But what's so cool is that that getting fired from there. And the next step changed my career path completely. Like I went on a new trajectory. I went from being loan sales rep to a people leader, I went into management, and I never been in management before. So it was a really good thing for me. So there you go. Like sometimes it's like that sometimes failure is just that, you know, crazy, where you actually can feel it in the moment. Like, this isn't for me, and that's okay. And it's actually even a little weird and exciting. And I'm just going to go with it.
Jarelle Dampier 52:19
Yeah. That's great. That's funny.
Pandora Villasenor 52:21
What did that bring up for you? When I shared that story? And I said I was going to share about getting fired.
Jarelle Dampier 52:26
I think it brought up the idea of small voices and big voices.
Pandora Villasenor 52:30
Oh, tell me about that.
Jarelle Dampier 52:31
I think the failure voice is a big voice. Or at least we make it big. We listen to it. Mm hmm. But I also feel like throughout your life, there's small voices telling you what you need. telling you what your purpose is, like telling you what you want to do. Yeah, that little feeling after a movie is over. When you're like, man, I got to make movies. Like why didn't I listen to that voice more than I listened to the you're a loser voice? Yeah, yeah. Long. What, you know, why didn't I listen to that voice of you being like, you can do this, you know, all those years. It's just it's so much easier to listen to the big failure voice. So true. And I think when when you were saying you have to you have to tell your failure, what it's gonna do for you. It's like you you really put it in its place. Yeah, you lower its volume. And you put it in its appropriate place, which is, how can I learn from this? And you immediately like, disarm it in a way. Yeah, yeah. Stops having this like big power over your life. Yeah. And it just becomes another. Just another thing. I really messed that up. Yeah. Like, how can I learn from this?
Pandora Villasenor 53:35
Like, Oh, well, that didn't go well.
Jarelle Dampier 53:37
Yeah. Like, how do I get back to my, you know, what was my thing again? What makes me happy? Yes. Also, man, I could just keep going forever. But like, sometimes what makes you happy? Is is what God had planned for you. Right? I don't know why it feels like sometimes being happy is like not a godly concept. Right.
Pandora Villasenor 53:59
Well, I
Jarelle Dampier 53:59
don't want to be too happy. That would be that would be what you know. Yeah. What would that be? Exactly?
Pandora Villasenor 54:05
And you know, what kept me from being happy a lot of times was fear of failure. Yeah. hadn't even happened yet. I'm just living through happy moments. And instead of enjoying those happy moments, I'm afraid of them failing,
Jarelle Dampier 54:17
just rush rush to fail. Yeah,
Pandora Villasenor 54:19
just run into is running.
Jarelle Dampier 54:22
you'll knock it off. And then you'll keep going. Yeah,
Pandora Villasenor 54:26
it's so true. I used to be so afraid of failure. It just seemed like it was just screaming at me, like you're gonna fail. I've, I would feel this strong sense. And when I decided to live and you know what it was it was entrepreneurship. So because I was afraid to start my own business, and because I was afraid to go after my calling, I decided to get an MBA. Because you know, that's what I do. Like if if I'm afraid to actually do something, I'll go learn about it for a while, which I you know, I love my MBA and it was a great thing. I love all my degrees. They're great. I'm so grateful for them. They're such a gift, but I didn't actually need them as much as I thought I did. One thing though, I learned doing a entrepreneurship concentration in school was that entrepreneurs fail. That's actually what they do. Yeah, they're they're so comfortable with it. And when I learned that I was so mad, because I thought, dang it. I don't want to. I don't want to fail. And, and that's when I became aware that I had been living actually in fear of failure. And it had kept me back. Yeah. And once I knew that, I could make a different choice, like, okay, now that I know that entrepreneurs fail, and that's how they and everybody knows the old adage, like, you know, Einstein did so many experiments with light bulbs before he made electricity. I don't know how that goes, I can't quote it. But there's like, you know, these outages and proverbs about like, failure. Thomas Edison. Yeah, yeah, wherever they say Einstein. Einstein, Edison, you know, ease. But you know. But what I'm trying to say is, failure is a part of invention. It's a part of innovation of creation. It's a part of creation.
Jarelle Dampier 56:19
Why movies take Yeah, do 10 versions of it, right, first nine are terrible.
Pandora Villasenor 56:24
So here's the good news. people listening, fail. And then when you fail, it rejoice and get up and fail again, because in our failures, that's how we find our voices word. Word, right? Yeah. I think on that note, we can probably start to close out on this topic. We could talk about this forever. But before we do drill, tell us tell my listeners like how could they find you if they wanted to see your work? If they wanted to follow you? Where would they follow you?
Jarelle Dampier 56:53
Oh, I'm pretty active on Instagram.
Pandora Villasenor 56:57
Mm hmm.
Jarelle Dampier 56:57
That's just URL underscore, Dampier, j r e, LL, e underscore da m, as in mom.
Pandora Villasenor 57:07
Er, will link it in the show notes.
Jarelle Dampier 57:10
Yeah, I'm on Twitter, but I just use Twitter to talk about videogames.
Pandora Villasenor 57:15
Yeah, unless you're into video games.
Jarelle Dampier 57:18
Use the same name on Twitter. We can talk about PlayStation. Yeah. But that's it. Yeah, I'm pretty active on Instagram. I love talking to people that want to be artists. If you feel like you want to have a future in animation, I love talking about it. If you're a parent, and you want me to tell your kid to go to art college is not a good idea. I think art college is stupid. I think art college is great for for a select amount of people that can use it well, but yeah. Yeah, I love giving advice. I love talking about art. So thank you. Yeah,
Pandora Villasenor 57:54
thank you are so glad that you shared your conversation with us today. And listeners, we just want to remember to remind you that everything that happens to you can be a gift. Thank you loved ones. Thank you for listening to the all gifts podcast. I'm your host Pandora Villasenor. I have a passion for coaching people to overcome the challenges in their lives by helping them to discover ways to transform those challenges into gifts, gifts of accomplishment, perseverance, strength and resilience. But most of all, peace and self love. Go to all gifts book.com to join us for exciting updates on the launch of all gifts the book to sign up for our newsletter and other freebies. That's all gifts book.com