Transcript

All Gifts Podcast – How Do You Control Your Anger?

SPEAKERS

Pandora Villasenor, Evan Cansler

Pandora Villasenor 00:00

In this episode of The All Gifts podcast, I talked to my younger son Evan, about how anger has been a gift in his life. When Evan first suggested this topic, I was a little daunted. I'm all for processing my emotions. But anger isn't one that I normally land on easily. But I trusted Evan would have valuable insight to share. His wisdom belies his 23 years like me, you'll want to listen to this mature soul and learn how he went from explosive anger, to finding the gifts of love and grace. I think you'll find that as the conversation evolves, you might discover as I did, how anger has been a gift in your life.

Evan Cansler 00:43

I have paid dearly for things I've said much more than things I've hit in my life, you know? Mm hmm.

Pandora Villasenor 00:49

Yeah. And it's a good call out to for moms or anybody in a relationship. You don't have to be a mom to let people have their space when they're angry. Yeah.

Pandora Villasenor

You are listening to the All Gifts Podcast, where we unwrap some of life's most painful topics to find the hidden gift within. I coach people helping them discover ways to transform their challenges into gifts. I'm your host and author of the All Gifts memoir, Pandora Villasenor. Thank you for joining us on the All Gifts podcast today. I am joined by my youngest son, Evan Cansler, Jr. How are you?

Evan Cansler 01:39

Very good. How are you?

Pandora Villasenor 01:41

I'm good. Do you mind taking a moment just telling the audience just a little bit about yourself?

Evan Cansler 01:46

My name is Evan Cansler. I'm 23 years old California State University Northridge graduate. Right now I'm a music coordinator in the sports TV industry. I am a disciple of Christ have been for about seven years. And I love music. I play instruments. I love animals.

Pandora Villasenor 02:11

Yeah, those are all really good things. And I wanted to just get the audience a little bit familiar with the term disciple. Just what does that mean to you to be a disciple of Christ?

Evan Cansler 02:22

Well, when you think about disciple, I think a student right? So for me, what I think a disciple it is someone that looks at Jesus, and tries to emulate him as much as possible. But they don't just look at Jesus. They don't just look at scriptures that say, do not do this, do not do that. They look at scripture, they look at Jesus, they research what he thought and what he felt and what he thinks that he did. Because they're just so enamored by it all.

Pandora Villasenor 02:53

Yeah, that was a great definition. Thank you. So today, we're going to talk about the gift of anger. And this was Evans idea. When I asked him for a challenge or something that he feels that has been something in his life that he's been able to transform into gifts. And I'll be honest, this isn't one of the topics that I have really spent time digging into. For me out of all the emotions, I spend a lot more time digging into sadness, and the gift that that's brought me and loneliness and fear. So I was really excited for this conversation because I want to learn, just like I'm sure many of you do, what this young man has learned about anger, and how he's transformed it into gifts. So I'm really super excited about this today. So Evan, let's start with just talk about anger for you. Like in general, maybe give us an idea of your journey. Maybe what was it like before it was a gift? And then maybe we can walk through that journey a little bit together.

Evan Cansler 03:55

All right, well, hmm. What is anger to me man, anger is such an interesting concept because it's so powerful. I think all of our emotions are powerful, but I don't think anything is as just earth shattering his anger, like you will stop the room. If someone's angry. Everyone in the room is gonna know you're angry, especially someone like me. If someone's sad, kind of nowadays, people don't really care. So what everyone said deal with it, you know? Yeah. For me growing up as a kid who was just raised in a lot of disenfranchisement.

Pandora Villasenor 04:39

Mm hmm.

Evan Cansler 04:40

I think that naturally, I was feeling a lot of things that I didn't understand, because I was just a kid. I was really sad. I was afraid I was confused. And I think that anger is an easy, not so much of a scapegoat, but it's just one of the emotions that I connect to more easily, especially when there's a ton of emotions going on, like, it'll be very hard for me to realize that I'm sad and not angry. Usually, as a kid.

Pandora Villasenor 05:13

I think that's what I was getting at there. For me, I'm more comfortable with my sadness, it leads, right. But for you, it's anger. And that's isn't that, I think the way with most people, they have like a primary emotion that that they'll go to first.

Evan Cansler 05:28

Especially with those two, especially with those two, some people are more sad. And then other people are just more angry. And we're all of the above, really…

Pandora Villasenor 05:39

Can you tell us a little bit more about the disenfranchisement that you refer to? And it's okay, you can be honest about our background. I think that's one of the things we want to do with the All Gifts Podcast is just be really real about where we come from. Because that's the beauty of where we are today.

Evan Cansler 05:56

Okay, yeah. So growing up in a good neighborhood of Ohio. was not all it was, you know…exposure.

I don't know. I'm having a hard time coming up with the right words.

Pandora Villasenor 06:14

You're doing good.

Evan Cansler 06:15

Thank you. Sure. Well, basically, I grew up in a household without a dad. Just you and Joe, my older brother. He was on this podcast before I believe. And, man, it just, it felt lonely and it felt cold at times. I think you did a really good job. You know, you were financially well off. By the time I started coming to good memories and started remembering everything I guess. But even still, like, it felt like we did just good enough to be the laughingstock of all the kids that I was in the class with all these upper class white kids. No, Mom and Dad were around. They had all these big houses and nice pets, and they had all these new video games and, huh, when your kids you don't understand, like, you know, you just know, hey, you're not like me? Why aren't you like me? So I would get that from friends be like, where's your dad? Why is your dad not around? Like? That's a great question. Dude. You want me to tell you about the freakin’ crack epidemic? I'm seven years I don't even know what that is at the time. You know, all I know, was my dad was missing. We came from poverty. And it still felt like I was poor in a lot of ways. Because considering the rooms I was in, often in these nice neighborhoods. Yeah, it still felt relatively poor.

Pandora Villasenor 08:06

Yeah. I mean, and we were relative to, you know, here I was, you know, I had got pregnant when I was 15. Had drove when I was 16. went to college, got off welfare. But at this stage now, at this point, you know, um, you know, I don't know, not even 10 years out of college. Yeah, nowhere near 10 years, probably like five years, I had started to make some money. And my goal was to put us in a nice neighborhood, a safe place, I grew up in a poor neighborhood grew up around poor people. And that's where I'm from. But I saw a lot in that environment that I didn't want you guys to be exposed to. So of course, I work hard, and I get into this safe place. But we're nowhere near the same as all the people who live there. So I could totally see that. How that would make you probably feel like an outsider. Yeah. Would you say that's part of what made you angry? Or like probably some of the source of the anger you know, your dad and I breaking up we fought before we broke up in front of you. I'm sure that had you know that domestic violence has an effect even on a little one. You're only three but you were there. You witnessed it? I'm sure you felt it. And then you know, now you're in this basically upper middle class world. And, and we're lower, probably lower middle class, upper low class. I don't know whatever you call that. But, but you were different. Yeah. So tell me about as you progressed in age, when did anger start to take a different? Like, when did you feel like for the first time, your anger was something that was being brought to your awareness? At what point? Were you aware of it?

Evan Cansler 09:53

That's a great question. Hmm. Honestly, I think it was when I moved out here to California, when we moved to California rather…

Pandora Villasenor 10:04

Mm hmm.

Evan Cansler 10:04

I think that pretty quickly after moving here, we found a church family. And we started going to church and, you know, we churched hopping around before went to church and Christmas and Easter. And, you know, we, we are somewhat familiar with Jesus. But nothing like this joining a whole church family it was, it changed my life completely. And I think that was when I started to realize that a lot of my kids, a lot of my kids, a lot of kids my age, weren't throwing punches at the first sight of like an issue, they would just talk, they would just cry, maybe, or just talk to each other. And I was like, the only one there that wanted to punch people. I also remember very clearly, a year or two before moving out here, you sat me down, and I switched schools, because basically, my anger got to a point where the school didn't want to deal with me anymore, unless I was just drugged up. And so we switch schools. And I remember you just sat me down and basically told me like, hey, this time needs to be different. And I somehow understood you. And from then on, I was ever so slightly more aware of my actions.

Pandora Villasenor 11:35

Yeah. Is such an interesting parallel journey, we both went on together. It's wonderful to think about too, and I write about this and All Gifts, the book, that scene of, you know, getting on my knees and talking to my seven year old about his anger. One of the things that you specifically mentioned was a gift about this was the fact that it drove me to therapy. And that really was the beginning, I think of our life change that you just spoke about. And what I mean by that is up until I felt this need to go to therapy. Okay, so I decided to go to therapy, because you're having trouble in school. And I think, you know, this therapist is going to help me fix you. But instead, that therapist says, you know, you're the one who needs therapy, right? And it was such news to me. I mean, I had been aware, okay, I came from divorced parents, my dad spent most of my childhood in prison. Both my parents did a lot of drugs, a lot of drinking a lot of violence in my home. I knew on some level, that probably wasn't good. But it never occurred to me that I needed therapy because I felt like I was okay. You know, and again, I'm looking at things that nowadays I can look back and go, Well, those aren't indicators of healthiness, but it felt healthy to me, and they were good things. Like, I went to college, and I got out the hood, and I work and so those were the things I was looking to thinking, no, I'm okay, now I'm okay. You know, I'm, there's things I don't do that my parents did. So I'm okay. So when I went to the therapist, and she's like, yeah, you should come back next week. But don't bring him just you. I was like, what, but it was so good, because she opened my eyes to the truth, which was I had a lot of things I needed to heal. Now, even though I'm not aware of or work through my anger as much, because it's not my predominant emotion. I had tons of anger, all kinds of anger was running underneath all that sadness, and that affected you. And so she helped me become aware of how my anger was actually triggering your anger, how I wasn't respecting you as a kid. Well, I had never learned that you're supposed to respect kids. That wasn't how I was taught. Like, there was some basic fundamental things from the way I was raised, that I was doing wrong without even knowing. And then because she helped me on that path of healing that led to me being open enough to go to church, which led to that great breakthrough in our family. So just to give all that background to the listeners that this journey really began with just realizing that as a mom, I was triggering your anger, as well. So that was really important to learn along the way. Yeah, yeah. And when I went to church, I learned how to be a better mom in many ways. Like you were talking about parents, talking to their kids, and then talking things through and it shocked you because you just want to punch things. Well, I also hadn't learned up to that point. I started to learn Finally, you know, how to draw out how you were feeling and how to talk about it. And that was hard. That was awkward. Do remember that? How did that feel for you and all of a sudden, you know, your mom that was used to just maybe you know, loving you taking care of you, but maybe dismissing your feelings or triggering your feelings all of a sudden wanting to, like, lean in and talk about feelings.

Evan Cansler 15:08

And it didn't feel genuine, it didn't feel real. Even even when I was a nine year old or 10 year old, I was still the way I am to this day. When you would say things like, Evan, we need to talk about how you're feeling. Let's sit down. Or Evan, I think you just need to trust and obey like whatever it was that you're saying to me at the time, I would just be like, yo, why are you acting all brand new? What is all this? Just because you start going to church and you met some new friends? Like as a nine year old? I would say that stuff? Yeah. Maybe not with the words like that. Oh, no, but…

Pandora Villasenor 15:39

You said those things. I got that point across.

Evan Cansler 15:40

Yeah. So I didn't trust it. You know, I simply put, I just thought you and Jarelle were being emotional, again, with your change lives. But eventually I was kind of just like, all right, this is real. This is. It's been a few years now.

Pandora Villasenor 15:58

Yeah. Yeah, I think that one of the things that probably made it feel not real was a, it was new. And you knew me so well, from before and then be, I was awkward. You know, it's like, I want to, you know, I'm told the words, I'm supposed to say to my kid. But even as I'm saying them, I'm like, is this really gonna work? Like, I'm gonna draw his heart out. Okay. You know, so yeah, it was hard for I think both of us. But then you said over the years, it started to feel more real. So does that mean, from your opinion? Did it feel more real? Because why like consistency? Like, what would you say made it feel more real for you?

Evan Cansler 16:44

Yeah, it was consistency, it was genuinely seen our lives change. Seen you improve as a mom seeing Jarelle improve as a brother, like, these were real, changes, lasting changes I saw they weren't just a few months, or maybe even a year. And you know, like, I feel like all relationships have constantly over the last decade or so have constantly been getting better. with occasional, like down slopes or what not, basically, like Apple stocks really?

Pandora Villasenor 17:21

Like Apple stock.

Evan Cansler 17:22

Yeah, like it's always rising, even when it's falling.

Pandora Villasenor 17:25

Yeah, that's a good analogy. Yeah,

Evan Cansler 17:27

I feel like that's kind of our whole relationship.

Pandora Villasenor 17:31

I know, go ahead.

Evan Cansler 17:33

I also think that my anger has changed a lot over the years, you know, at when I was a kid, it made a lot of sense to just physically attack someone that hurt my feelings. Because I don't know, I'm a kid, we don't really know much you don't know better. And then the older I got, the more of a man I became, the more I didn't want to do that, the more I realize, like, oh, no, I can't just go hitting people, I'm five foot 11, I'm black, like, I will serve a very long time for attacking someone physically. And also, like, at the core of myself, I don't want to, I don't want to do that. I don't want to cause immense fear in a person. Like, just because I'm angry at them. I don't want to ruin their lives, I don't want to break their nose or anything. So I think with my outlets changing or the way I am angry, I became much more like when I get angry. Now I just withdraw from you. I don't want to talk to you. I'm just kind of in my feelings, really. And I'm I kind of shut down and I get quiet. So I think it makes more sense for you to try and pull someone out that's withdrawn. It just naturally makes more sense than trying to pull someone out that's like, currently busy punching holes in their wall.

Evan Cansler 19:00

Like, you can't really, you can't really go up to someone be like, Hey, I noticed you just punched a hole in the wall. How are you feeling? You know, it just doesn't work that way. Yeah.

Pandora Villasenor 19:11

It sounds like there were like kind of two things at work there was you were witnessing real change. And so something felt real about that. And maybe, then therefore some of that change, you're kind of like, hmm, you know, that's interesting. And then at the same time, you're learning from that and you're changing. So those two things are happening, if you could share with the listeners, and maybe nothing comes to mind, right? Because this is kind of off the top of my head too. And you may not have thought about this, but were there specific behaviors that your brother or I went through behavior changes that made you go, this is real, and you can be honest, like if there's anything that you know, you'd have to say anything about your brother right now, but if there's anything about like me that you're like, Wow, she doesn't do this anymore. She does something totally different. That really made you believe. And I asked this for the benefit of people who might be listening, who might be parents who are like, wow, I want to see this kind of change. I want to see this kind of growth, this kind of transformation. Is there anything that you could like kind of remember specifically?

Evan Cansler 20:18

Well, I think just in terms of being brothers, Jarelle and I haven't laid hands on each other, and so I can't even remember the last time he hit me, or I hit him. Like, we just we don't do that anymore. You know, I think I think he handles his issues with me. We, we really don't have many issues at this point, because we're both just grown men trying to figure out how to be grown men in this country. And so usually 99% of the time, we're just hanging out catching up. But if there ever any issues with the two of us, Jarelle would very calmly talk to me, you know, and I'm not calm in the moment at all. And I think I think I've seen the same in you. You know, I think you're much slower to throw in fits of rage at me. Again, that doesn't really happen much anymore, because we're all grown up. But I think it just felt like I was having to live by some double standard when I was growing up. Because you would get angry. You'd lose your mind. You'd freak out at me or Jarelle sometimes. And then when I did it, I was in so much trouble. And it was just this right lesson about why I did something wrong and how I can't behave that way. And I'm like, bro, you're you're behaving that way. I learned it from you.

Pandora Villasenor 21:52

Yeah, you know, hypocrisy.

Evan Cansler 21:54

Yeah. But over the years, I haven't been able to use that excuse at all, because you don't do that as much. You don't do that. You know?

Pandora Villasenor 22:01

Yeah. Yeah, I was wondering like, if it was things, interpersonal things or things like you stopped cussing? Or, you know, there was a because there's so many changes. I mean, when I became when I decided to dedicate my life to being a disciple of Jesus, you know, I stopped smoking weed. I stopped drinking, I stopped, you know, you know, cussing and, you know, doing my best not to have fits of rage. Although, you know, that's, that's a tough one that has subsided over the years, but you know, still still a difficult one, you know? So yeah, I was wondering if there's anything specific so this is this is really good. Now, think about the gifts I love to hear more about now that you've you know, harnessed your anger you know, have learned how to like you said, you know, be a grown man and you don't want to like hurt other people. You don't want to lash out? Well, let me tell you, there are a lot of people that are aware a lot of black men in America that are aware of the ramifications or consequences of that yet they haven't been able to quite transform though that anger into gifts or really control it. So what specific things could you point to say, Okay, these are the gifts of transformation what has been that gift? Or? If that sounds too confusing, maybe it's what good has come out of your, your anger.

Evan Cansler 23:28

Right? Um, so the first image that popped up into my mind were doves in Jesus. Matthew 21, verse 12, says, Jesus entered the temple courts and drove out all who are buying and selling there he overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves. It is written he said to them, “My house will be called a house of prayer, but you are making it a den of robbers.” And that's the scripture that everyone loves to take out of context of like Jesus screaming and yelling and making a makeshift weapon like casting people out of a temple, right? You just do a little bit of historical background on that scripture you learn. And the Bible says this that doves were sold. Doves refer the poor to make their sacrifices at the time. So at the temple courts, when they were selling doves, they were basically taking what poor people would normally buy, and they are jacking the prices up. So Jesus saw that, that anger started bubbling in him because he was anger that they are taking advantage of poor people. And I think that that is something that I feel nowadays, a lot of indignation. You know, a lot of people like to say mean things about the word anger, but they really like to praise that word indignation, basically the same thing. It's just that one is typically I don't know, more subtle, not really. But I think over the years, I've just become someone that wants to deal with things. Um, I think I'm very indignant person. I think I'm very, man, it almost sounds weird just gassing myself up so much. But I think being angry, like, you know you're angry, and the more you learn to work through your anger, and process it in a real way.

Pandora Villasenor 25:42

Mm hmm.

Evan Cansler 25:43

The more emotionally mature you are. So now I, I'm a lot more emotionally mature than a lot of guys my age, because I'll see my friends and they're just talking about their lives and how much things suck for them or whatever. And they're just like, they don't. They don't, they don't know what they're feeling, they numb out. I'm not saying that I am never tempted to numb or anything. But I just think that I've learned how to deal with things and deal with conflicts with people I love. You know, the Bible also says to not let the sun go down while you're angry. So I usually try to put issues to rest as soon as they come up. Because I don't want that riff to grow.

Pandora Villasenor 26:39

Yeah. And fester. It's like your anger is this early warning system that says, we have a problem here. Are we have a conflict here, or we have something that we need to deal with here? And because you know where your anger can lead to, you've trained yourself to go, oh, when I get that early warning sign, I'm going to do something.

Evan Cansler 27:01

Yeah. Anger is a great thing. I mean, do you think Martin Luther King or Malcolm X would have been the people they were if they were just most upset at the way black people were getting lynched back in the days like…

Pandora Villasenor 27:15

yeah,

Evan Cansler 27:16

There's, a we, and there's a reason why we all watch like, Tarantino movies and Scorsese films, they're like, people crave that catharsis, that catharsis by-proxy, like, they don't want to do it themselves, but they just, they want to watch a gangster shoot a cop, you know, it's not that they want to watch you know, whatever, they just, people are looking for an outlet. I see it everywhere. People want that release, they just don't know how to get it. And I don't think anger is a bad thing. And here's anger can be a very good thing. It can be a very dangerous thing. That just means it's a very powerful thing. And we've seen men do very amazing things with their anger. And we've seen men do very awful things with their anger.

Pandora Villasenor 28:04

Tell me about boundaries. How do you… how does your early warning system of anger help you in the area of boundaries, codependency? You know, whatever, that kind of brings up for you anything come to mind?

Evan Cansler 28:21

Not really. what do you like boundaries, like with my with other people? Like…

Pandora Villasenor 28:24

You know, when you start to feel something that you know, brings up that warning system and you like, maybe you feel a trigger? You know, I hate overusing this word, but you feel triggered, your anger feels triggered. Is there anything that that has been helpful with, with boundaries with like other people? Because of that? Hmm, like you're aware of, wow. So I bring this up, because this is how, while I was preparing for this podcast, I was thinking about anger for me, has been a good early warning system that okay, I am super mad at this person when I finally land because, you know, like I said, it's hard for me to land on anger. But when I finally do, I realized that man, this person has made me mad. Often, if someone's made me mad, it's because they have violated a boundary with me that I didn't even know I had like, or our I don't have a boundary or a place where I should have a boundary like, like, maybe I feel like all bent out of shape. Like, man, this person is asking me to do this thing for them, or they're just assuming I'm going to do this for them, which is really helps me see that. Oh, actually, I didn't speak up for myself and say, No, I didn't speak up for myself and say, I don't want this. So I'm not really mad at that person. I'm actually mad at the fact that I don't have a boundary here. Does that is that anything that relates to you at all? I that's what I was thinking of for for anger.

Evan Cansler 29:50

Oh, yeah, definitely. I mean, anger is, anger is a response to you thinking something's wrong, right, right. So when you're angry, it's basically your you're everything saying, Hey, man, something's not okay, something's wrong. And I think that in relationships it's very, it's, it's very good for me to realize that much in the same way that I was saying earlier, like, I want to deal with conflicts. You know, I think the confrontational nature of anger can be scary, but used properly. It can be the thing that saves a relationship. You know, like, if I'm fighting with my girlfriend, that anger I feel in the moment will get me to maybe take a step back, try and figure out what we're actually talking about why I'm upset, why she might be upset, and it'll, it'll make me want to solve things with her simultaneously, a relationship that doesn't deal with anything ever is a relationship that's bound to fail? Yeah, they're just, they're just waiting for failure, you know, and we see that a lot. You see people just growing distant naturally. Yeah. Resentment builds. And then next thing, you know, you're not invited to a wedding or you're not, you know, on the close friend story, or whatever it is that you care so much about. I think that, for me, personally, I can't be in a relationship like that. Like that. I'll be angry in that relationship, I will constantly feel this gmawing feeling inside of just like, oh, things are not right, with this person that you're just sitting around with. So I think an alarm is the best way. Like that was a really good comparison. Yeah, maybe just like, it's a detector, you know?

Pandora Villasenor 31:52

Mm hmm. And that, if you're prone to explosive anger, it's, it's even, like even more of a gift. Because explosive anger, you don't want to go there, right. So you, you must obey the inner work the inner alarm, you have to do something. It's almost a gift to have a propensity towards explosive anger, because you must do something, you can't let it just fester. You can't let a resentment just build up. So in that way, it can be a real gift. And so that's, that's what I'm about is like looking at something that someone would normally say like, Oh, this is terrible to be somebody who's prone to explosive anger, like that is terrible. Well, it can be for sure, but can also be a gift because it helps you see that. Now, just switching gears a little bit to process is there anything you do to process your anger is what comes to mind for you? I mean, I know there are things you do because you wouldn't have grown this much. So if you could point to maybe just a couple tips, things that you do to process anger.

Evan Cansler 32:53

I think one of the biggest things I do now is I might literally step away, and it doesn't need to be some big dramatic exit. You know, I might just be like, Hey, I'm gonna get some air real quick. Depends on the setting I'm in Yeah, or like, Hey, I'm gonna go just go on a walk real quick or whatever. But I usually try to be in solitude, just kind of be alone for a moment. I think that the main reason I do this is because I think one of my biggest fears is saying something detrimental to someone that I love. In anger, you know, like, I don't, I don't have physical altercations anymore, with my anger or anything. Partially because just the human side of me has learned to adapt and be more like, Oh, I know what's really gonna hurt them. Yeah, if I just say this, you know…

Pandora Villasenor 33:58

The good old verbal assassination.

Evan Cansler 34:00

Yeah, this will this will cut their heart, right. I don't want to go cutting hearts and make someone like, have a new trigger. You know, I just want them to stop doing something that upset me or hurt. My feelings are annoying me, you know, so I usually get some time away. Just to process with myself and let my anger just kind of quietly, like, seep out of my ear holes. You know, like, I think of like, you know, those old cartoons in the smoking, the steams coming out of their ears, you know, just I let that happen. And maybe I'll pray. Maybe I'll write something down. But usually, honestly, it doesn't even have to come to that sometimes. Sometimes, just that that space. Within minutes, I'll start realizing, oh, I'm just tripping, or I'm just acting sensitive. Or, okay, we can talk about this later. Yeah. And usually, you know, sometimes, sometimes you're not really in a position where you're able to just walk out, you know, especially as like a kid, like, I didn't know how to ask for my space or my privacy. So you would just keep poking at me or Jarelle would just keep poking at me and being like, I don't understand why you're because I didn't know how to ask for what I needed at the time. Yeah. But I think that's what helps me a lot. Now. Yeah. It could come off as you're trying to be distant from someone. But really, it means that you care about them. You don't want to smack them in the face. So you're gonna go right, enjoy the breeze outside and then come back in, you know, you're protecting

Pandora Villasenor 35:49

them in a way.

Evan Cansler 35:51

Yeah, you're protecting yourself. And by protecting yourself, you protect everyone around you. Because Yeah, your actions matter. And your, your words matter. No, let anyone ever tell you your words don't matter, man, those I have paid dearly for things I have said much more than things I've hit in my life, you know?

Pandora Villasenor 36:10

Mm hmm. Yeah. And it's a good call out to for moms, or anybody in a relationship, you don't have to be a mom, to let people have their space when they're angry. You know, I think there's that sense of, you want to get in there and you want to lean into it and you want to fix it. That's some people's personalities, I tend to have more of a fixing it. lean in. Okay, let's talk about this. Now, let's get this out. Let's, let's work on this right now. And it's, it's been good to learn that no, sometimes you got to give people their space, and let them process on their own. When you're processing on your own, do you ever kind of like think about try to reframe how you're thinking about the person. So like, when I am angry, like say, I'm angry at Joe, my husband, and I get away and have that space. I often try to remember, you know, certain things about him to help kind of tell myself the truth about him rather than whatever my anger is telling me in the moment because the anger is a really good early warning system. But the anger isn't a good judge of a situation….

Evan Cansler 37:17

Especially if you go walk away somewhere. Yeah. And if you're not careful, you'll just walk away and you'll start be talking smack about this person, right in your mind. And then by the time you get back, you think there's some tyrant. Really, they're just someone that Yeah, ate the cheese dip a weird way. And you didn't like it? Right?

Pandora Villasenor 37:34

Right. So the anger is good for some things like to trigger like, Okay, I need to take a break, I need to think about this, I need to spend some time on this. I need to process this, I need to have a boundary here. But yeah, our anger is not that helpful for judging character, or necessarily the reality or the truth of a situation. So when you're processing it, rather than, like, what do you do to combat that? Or that feeling that you want to just end up ruminating in that moment? You know, about that person in a negative way?

Evan Cansler 38:03

Yeah. Well, usually, you know, we keep talking about relationships and family and stuff like that. Usually. Those are the people that make you angry, you know, your boss will make you angry, sometimes a lot, maybe the people you work with, or the people you run into daily, there's not much you can or have to do about those people. Like the woman that takes forever in front of you at the grocery store. There's some introspection you can do about why you're so impatient, but you don't really need to follow up with Susan at Whole Foods. Yeah, I think like if I'm, if I'm angry at Brianna, my girlfriend, or anyone I love really, I usually just think about what I love about them. I know as cliche as it might sound, you have to think about what's true, you have to think about why they made you angry, not just that they made you angry, you need to figure out why you're angry. I think and a lot of times I'll figure out why I'm angry. And then usually that doesn't match up with my relationship with the person because we're all just messed up. You know, we all say things and do things we don't mean and I think over the years I've learned to understand that sometimes people will say something to you make you angry. The secret is they didn't even know that make you angry. They It was just an innocuous innocent thing they said or did. A lot of times also people will put baggage onto you hold you accountable for things you're going to do to them. And with all of that information in mind, I usually just try and think of like, I know this person cares about me. Yeah, I know. They mean well and I know that anything worth having is not without effort. Mm hmm. You know, if you're if you're out there trying to find a significant other, that's never gonna make you angry, you're gonna stay single. You know, if if your family doesn't make you angry, that you're that's the first family I've ever heard of, you know, people closest to you are the people that are gonna hurt you. And they're absolutely worth fighting for.

Pandora Villasenor 40:25

Wow, that's beautiful. Is there any just last things you want to share that we didn't get to today that are just kind of like final, like, sort of lasting words you want to leave the listeners with about this?

Evan Cansler 40:37

Huh? Yeah. Parents, an angry kid is a sign.

Pandora Villasenor 40:42

Mm hmm.

Evan Cansler 40:42

You know, my mom said it herself in her book and in this podcast, but just to reiterate, you know, if your kid is angry, there's something else going on? You know? Yeah. And I would not be so quick to judge them off of an outburst or anything that disturbs the peace of your home. Because the reality is, when you're younger, when you were a kid, when you're a teenager, when, you know, when you're living under the roof of someone else, you don't know how to articulate these things. You… there's a lot of fear, there's a lot of apprehension and confusion and kids don't know how to vocalize that stuff. And what's worse is they're not going to feel like they're being heard. Even if they do bring it up. So I don't know. Those are just words from a young man who was once a kid. Yeah, I still am a kid.

Pandora Villasenor 41:47

Yeah, I think to add to that, if no one's ever told you before, it's good to be humble and respect our kids too. I think, you know, maybe if you were raised with, you know, sort of that kids should be seen and not heard mentality, or, you know, that sense of like, well, because I'm the grown up because I said, so. That is just isn't true. I mean, you can live that way you can interact with your kids that way. And I've done that. But the fruit of it wasn't good. It led to a lot of anger. And, you know, and so it's it's good to realize as a parent to be humble. I think the other thing we didn't mention really quick, too, is I learned how to admit when I was wrong, and to apologize to you. I think that's the ultimate respect a parent can give to their kid is to be able to say I was wrong. Mommy was wrong. I was wrong when I did this, and I'm sorry. And… and to be specific, like, the way I just yelled at you was not okay, because it was disrespectful. And, and I was hurt about something that happened at work today and had nothing to do with you. And that is not okay for me to take my feelings out on you. So when we talked about that earlier about, like the changes, those are some of the things I learned how to do admit, when I was wrong, and here's the thing, no parents are perfect. We're all gonna mess up. You're not a hypocrite, because you mess up. You're hypocrite as a parent, when you don't admit that you've messed up, but you expect your kid to do so. So those are some of the things that we learned along the way. So yeah, I mean, I'm so grateful for this podcast episode because Evan is one of the people in my life who builds my faith every day, when I think about what we've been through together. When I think about the transformation in his life and mine and the ways that by putting our trust in God, and just learning how to just admit when we're wrong, has covered over like that Scripture says it covered over a multitude of sin. So we're not perfect. We don't have a perfect relationship. We still have disagreements, we still have conflicts, a lot of hurt feelings at times that we've had to work on. I remember earlier in the pandemic, when you still lived here. You know, we had a day where we were having a lot of feelings, we had to talk it out. And it's difficult to do that. But it's worth fighting for, like he shared. So thank you so much, Evan, if there's anything that you know, if anybody wants to follow you anywhere or learn more about you, is there a place that they can go to to learn more about you? I didn't I don't know if I told you I was gonna ask you this, but where where might people like just follow you or learn more about you and what you're about?

Evan Cansler 44:36

The best place? The place you'll always find me on his Instagram. You will always see me on there. Yeah. My Instagram name is EVCANSLER add me on anything. I'm on LinkedIn even Yeah, on Facebook, Twitter. Don't follow me on Twitter. Follow me on Instagram.

Pandora Villasenor 45:02

On Instagram you're gonna see a lot of dogs. Music…

Evan Cansler 45:07

Dogs, music, video games. Yeah. Music Yeah.

Pandora Villasenor 45:11

But thank you so much again listeners for just being here and join us in this conversation you can always go to PandoraVillasenor.com or AllGiftsbook.com to reach out to me to learn more about the August's book and to read my blog. Thank you so much, and loved ones. Remember everything, especially the painful things are a gift. Until next time. Thank you for listening to the All Gifts podcast. I'm your host Pandora Villasenor. I have a passion for coaching people to overcome the challenges in their lives by helping them to discover ways to transform those challenges into gifts, gifts of accomplishment, perseverance, strength and resilience. But most of all, peace and self love. Go to All Gifts book.com to join us for exciting updates on the launch of All Gifts the book to sign up for our newsletter and other freebies. That's AllGiftsbook.com