Addiction: Doing What I Don't Want to Do

“I need to stop smoking today. But I said that yesterday and the day before that. I’d lost count of the number of mornings I’d promised myself that I’d stop and the number of afternoons I’d remembered only that I deserved to smoke. I resisted the trap clamping over my chest and pushed myself to shower. I could beat whatever this was that was coming over me.”

(excerpt from All Gifts, the memoir)

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Going from self-loathing to self-love was a gradual process. Photo credit: Benvil Photography.

This week’s episode of the All Gifts Podcast is about my journey overcoming marijuana and alcohol addiction. Author Jennifer Evans joins me to share a few laughs as we talk about the things that have helped us get and stay sober through the insanity of life, popular recovery language that no longer serves our needs, and how good it feels to be free.

I hate to think of myself as a statistic.

But there were unhealthy cycles in my family of origin that I allowed myself to fall into. One was using alcohol and marijuana to numb my pain, to feel differently, or to just stop thinking.

And it worked. Until it didn’t.

Weed, my best friend, had let me down. Giggles and calm were replaced with a racing heart and paranoid mind. Still, I kept using, thinking the good would eventually outweigh the gnawing sense of self-loathing. It didn’t. I couldn’t bring back the euphoria of my youth and I couldn’t bring myself to stop.

That’s when I began to suspect I had a problem.

I haven’t used marijuana for sixteen years or alcohol for ten. And I have no real desire to do either. I say that because I have been tempted this past year. Temptation for me looks like having thoughts that sound like, “dang it, why did I ruin alcohol for myself” or “how come they get to do it?”

Then I remind myself of what it felt like to be trapped in something I couldn’t stop.

Thankfully, it’s been enough to stop those thoughts from growing.

I also think back to my recovery journey. I attended a “Chemical Recovery” group at my church for many years. This group helped me get and stay sober by following something like a twelve-step program. It was a good group and I’m grateful for the teachings and life-long friendships I made there.

One of the requirements to graduate from the program was admitting that I was an addict. It was part of taking responsibility for my choice to respond to my pain in that way. It also humbled me and cured me of that evil beast called denial that allows you to compare yourselves to others and think, “I’m not that bad!”

I held onto my identity as an addict for many years.

But as my walk with God has evolved into a better sense of my identity as his beloved child, my identity as an addict no longer serves the greater goal of alignment to God and his purposes for me. I now see it as I do sin. Yes, I sin like everyone else but it’s something that I do, not who I am.