How to Overcome Abuse in Marriage

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In Episode 18 of The All Gifts Podcast I’m joined by Jodie Cooper, my first international guest! Jodie is Australian and writes children’s books for Christian families. Jodie and her husband have two small children. In this episode, we talk about how a few years in, Jodie found herself in an abusive marriage with punishing behavior, moods and tones used to manipulate and control.

Right away I pictured a brooding abusive husband. And then Jodie shared that she was the abusive one. I was taken aback and more than a little intrigued.

Whenever a woman mentions abuse in her marriage, I always assume she’s the victim.

Which is interesting because growing up in a violent home, my parents were equally abusive to each other. Yet, as a young girl, I always empathized with my mother. Now looking back with an adult lens, aided by years of recovery, I can now see the truth. My parents were engaged in a dance of abuse where each partner took turns moving from victim to abuser, back to victim again.

Domestic violence was normal in my childhood home and had been happening for generations on each side. Not surprisingly, when I grew old enough to have my first boyfriend, it was a violent and unhealthy six-year relationship.

As Jodie shared about becoming awakened to her toxic behavior toward her serving husband, it reminded me of when Joe and I first started dating, over twelve years ago. I had been a Christian for about two years and I’d already learned so much about the woman I wanted to be. I’d been in therapy and recovery programs. And I’d made great strides in getting my behavior under control. I was sober, read my bible, went to church, and didn’t cuss people out anymore. I’d made so much progress!

Joe was my first intimate, romantic relationship since my conversion to Christ and the healthiest person I’d ever dated. But not long into the relationship, the old me came out.

I was so jealous and suspicious that I’d fly off into fits of rage. And, I felt justified.

I thought it was his fault for provoking me!

It was so bad it seemed like we weren’t going to make it which broke my heart because I’d fallen in love with him.

We needed help so we sat down with another couple from church to talk about it. As we described the latest incident, I waited for the couple to respond, to help Joe see what he’d done wrong, how he’d provoked me. Instead, the couple lovingly pointed out that the issue was with me. The situation was triggering old experiences and wounds in me and it wasn’t Joe’s fault. But I was taking it out on him.

At first, I was shocked. Then I was offended. It took a lot of prayer and some counseling to land on the truth. I was hurting Joe with my accusations and rage. I could continue along that path but ultimately Joe was too healthy to stay in that situation. I had to face that unless I got help, he would break up with me.