Episode 23: How to Own Your Story

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As I prepare to launch my memoir All Gifts into the world, in Season 4 of the All Gifts Podcast, we are doing a deep dive into topics from my life and from the book. How to Own Your Story, Episode 23 is the first episode of the season.

If you’ve been through any kind of toxic situation whether it was a relationship or a certain work or living environment and you want to learn how to find the gifts in that, how to not only survive it but thrive because of it, then you’ll want to tune into this season. We will look at narcissistic, toxic people and situations. How to spot them and how to deal with them.

Over the course of the past three seasons, we’ve touched on some of the challenges I’ve faced and overcome. I grew up in a home where both of my parents were drug addicts and alcoholics. Both had endured tremendous wounding in their lives at the hands of their parents. Dad was a Vietnam Vet who was sexually and physically abused by his father. And Mom was also traumatized by an abusive father.

Not surprisingly, it was a dysfunctional home and I was the oldest of four and a girl. So, naturally, I took on the role of responsible caregiver. My love, devotion and compassion for my parents and siblings led me to internalize the abuse and neglect, the mental illness and domestic violence.

I was a teen mom and then a single mom who wrestled with my own demons of domestic violence and abuse. But through the grace of God, generational curse after curse, poverty, illiteracy, incarceration, teen parenting and addiction, was broken in my life and in the life of my sons.

I know what it’s like to be hurt by the very people who are supposed to love, care, and protect you. I’ve worked through that pain by learning good coping mechanisms, boundaries, and the power of compassion and forgiveness. I’ve also learned that when you’re not loved, cared for, or protected by others, you must find out how to give those gifts to yourself.

All Gifts is the story of living through all of that and how I got to the place where I can see that everything that happened to me was a gift.

My entire life has led to All Gifts, the book, this podcast, this message, but it truly took on life and energy just over three years ago.  

At that time, I’d been praying for years to know my life-calling. I wanted to live a life of mission and passionate purpose. But I hit a wall. I was overworked and jockeying for acceptance in all areas of life—at work, with extended family, even at church. I’d just graduated with my master’s in business.

I was struck that no matter what I’d accomplished as a mom, as a leader at church and at work, even with therapy, my faith community, and my relationship with God, it was hard to see my talents and gifts.

Then it hit me, the truth was, deep inside, I already knew my life’s calling and purpose. The vision had come to me as a little girl.

I hadn’t done the dishes exactly like Mom had told me to. She was coming down from doing meth for several days. The lack of sleep and food made her mean. She was yelling and repeatedly hitting and slapping my head and face. During that miserable, ugly moment, a voice inside said, “you’re going to tell people about this one day and it’s going to help them.”

See, the problem wasn’t that I didn’t know my life’s purpose it was that I didn’t know how to own my story with all its messiness and beauty and at the same time honor and love my mom.

That’s when God made it obvious that I couldn’t fully heal or come into my own story unless I removed myself from the situation that was still abusing me.

For the first time in forty-three years, I told my mom she wasn’t allowed to call me names, cuss me out, or yell at me anymore.

Standing up to Mom didn’t go well. She was mad. She cussed me out and called me more names. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do but God made it clear that it was up to me to enforce that boundary.

I went no-contact with her until she honored my boundary.

This went on for long stretches of time, the longest of which was over a year.

During that time, there were people in my life that didn’t get it. I didn’t always get it myself. It didn’t feel Christ-like. But I knew it was time to let God protect me by protecting myself. It hurt.

But extraordinary things happened. I let the extreme guilt and fear I felt about my boundaries drive me into deep conversations with God. I asked him tough questions—as a loving daughter, what was the right thing to do? As God’s daughter, what was He calling me to do? Were those the same things? The answers didn’t come quickly but slowly over time, I began to own my story with nascent feelings of worthiness.

And, like water released from a dam, I began to write All Gifts.

Now it’s time to bring that story into the world. I’ve accepted that there will be people who will not like that I tell my story.

Memory is a funny thing. Two people can experience the same situation and because of their own filters, remember it in two different ways. But I’m not talking about the people directly involved.

I’m talking about well-meaning people who will filter it through their own preconceived notions of what it means to be a mother and a daughter. Or, through their own guilt at being imperfect moms.

But I’ve decided that I’m not responsible for how other people will receive my story. What they think of me is none of my business.

Nonetheless, the story has been hard to tell. The closer the memoir got to completion, the more afraid I became. Afraid of exposing my mom. Afraid that my story would hurt her. But miraculously, over this time, God healed my relationship with my mother.

And I learned that the boundaries I thought would destroy our relationship, were the only thing that could save it.

What’s holding you back from owning your story?

Need help landing on how your feel?

Download the All Gifts Journal Prompts for Emotional Processing.