Episode 28: Are Boundaries Cancel Culture?
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As I’ve shared in previous posts, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done was ask my mom to stop calling me names. The way I was raised, you don’t “talk back” to your parents no matter how old you are. But I became aware of the detrimental effect the behavior was having on me.
It took me years to have the courage to do anything about it. Courage seems like the wrong word. The truth is it became intolerable. And, as I’ve written before, it got to a point where God said, “no more.”
When I voiced my boundary and it didn’t go well, I innately knew it was time to take a break from one another. At the time, I didn’t know that adult children of narcissistic parents call this “going no contact.” I just didn’t want to get cussed out anymore. Going “no contact” was driven by her response more than any grand scheme of mine to correct her behavior or right the relationship.
I just needed distance and time to heal. And as I shared in previous posts, the time away allowed for much healing, for me and for the relationship.
But it wasn’t easy. I was afraid setting boundaries would damage the relationship worse than it already was. I’d always loved and been devoted to my mom and I didn’t want that to change. And, it turns out that it didn’t have to.
I’m still reflecting on this but so far, here are my key takeaways from our time of “no-contact”:
As I waited for my mom to respond differently, I started to feel safe and loved. Once I felt safe, I was able to find more compassion for my mom.
I began to see that while the abusive behavior was wrong, it was just a part of who she is. There is far more to her story both as my mom and as a woman.
I began to see more complexity in our relationship. Yes, she’d hurt me and yet, at times, she’d also been my number one fan, speaking life and hope into me.
Without time away, I probably wouldn’t have seen past my own pain.
The more I was able to find compassion, empathy and forgiveness for my mom, I was freed from a prison of pain and began to flourish.
My conversations with marriage and family therapist Molly La Croix have been so helpful as I gain clarity on this pivotal relationship and how it affects my life. In Episode 28, Are Boundaries Cancel Culture, Molly shares why it’s better to label behavior as toxic, not people and how boundaries aren’t meant to be Cancel Culture.
Give it a listen and let me know what you think!
Resources:
In this episode, I discuss breaking the cycle of work burnout and four areas to reflect on when stuck in a rut.