Leading Yourself through Change and Disruption
TUNE IN: APPLE PODCASTS I SPOTIFY I STITCHER
To be the kind of leader that I want to be, I’ve learned to first lead myself. For more, please listen to the related All Gifts Podcast Episode 6, Leading Yourself Through Change and Disruption.
These are just a few practices I do regularly to “lead myself” well:
Slow down to cultivate self-awareness
Pay attention to my thoughts
Rest and recover to recharge my energy
Stop myself from responding to others out of my emotions
Apologize when I mess up
I didn’t always lead myself well.
I’ve always been a hard worker. This character trait helped me get off welfare, earn an education, and build a career. Despite the odds, I was able to provide for myself and my children.
But work is stressful. I’ve dealt with the consequences of unwise decisions, difficult people, lay-offs, and challenging HR situations. I used to lean into stress to motivate me even more. For years, this worked.
At a certain point in my life, anxiety-induced motivation started having diminishing returns.
Striving and worry took a toll on my mental and emotional well-being. I turned to smoking marijuana and drinking to take the edge off. It became an addictive cycle. I eventually went to a recovery group to address that, but the stress was still there. I wanted to feel secure in my career, to be motivated from a higher purpose.
I tried harder, prayed more, streamed better sermons, and wrote out gratitude lists.
Until I felt like I couldn’t take it anymore.
I prayed and fasted for a rescue. The answer came in a series of events that took me out of work for several weeks. First, there was a natural disaster that blocked a main highway. I was unable to get to the most stressful, neediest part of my responsibilities.
No sooner was that cleared up that I got a terrible flu. For over two weeks, I went in and out of fever. I was frustrated, angry, and anxious. “God, don’t you know I need to go and solve these problems?” I cried.
Once the flu ended, I was getting ready to go to work when I made a simple movement to stand up and slipped a disk in my back. This injury brought me back to my bed.
That’s when I began to really pay attention.
I looked inward and asked, “What are these experiences trying to tell me?” After many days of reflection, several things became clear:
Work was my identity.
I’d been over-identifying with hard work. Alan Fadling (An Unhurried Life) says “what we do is an expression of who we are; what we do does not establish who we are.” My identity needed to come from somewhere deeper than changing external circumstances. I had to find my identity within me.
Worry was a choice.
I could choose to do my work in peace.
I looked to work for a sense of worthiness.
This was driven by old wounds that I’d spent years doing personal and spiritual work to heal. But I realized through this time of forced rest, that the shame of abuse, neglect and poverty still haunted me. More healing was needed.
It was my choice to build in times of rest and recovery.
I’d spent years comparing myself to others who seemed to have an easier life. I lamented that I didn’t have more time for rest. I realized that I was the one standing in the way of receiving more rest. I had to take control of my schedule.
I had to put boundaries not just on my time but also on my mind.
I was always trying to figure out how to do my best, but I could not allow work to occupy my thoughts unchecked. Those thoughts quickly became worrisome and anxiety provoking. When I’m in that state, I cannot see the goodness, prosperity, and blessings I do have.
I still work hard and I have big goals. But I am committed to leading myself well. This benefits not just me but the people I influence as well. Hopefully by sharing my journey, I can inspire you to do the same.
